Post 14. Health

Last week, KFC, the company formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken (but since truncated to minimize spelling errors in Twitter feeds) announced the Double Down, believed to be the world's first breadless sandwich. Which, of course, makes it not a sandwich, as the very definition of sandwich is "stuff between two pieces of bread".

A fitting tribute to the (hopeful) end of the Morbidly Obese Era, the Double Down is a bacon and cheese sandwich with some kind of zesty sauce trapped between your choice of 2 pieces of either fried or grilled chicken, aka the world's first edible suicide attempt.


This is what KFC wants you to think you're getting.


This is what you're actually getting.

What's truly amazing about the Double Down is not its enormous caloric (540) or fat (32g) content, it's that it's NOT THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING YOU CAN BUY. Numerous fast food chains, despite their limp attempts to appear the opposite, still offer menu options that will clog your arteries mid-meal. Hell, every item on Carl's Jr. menu is unhealthier than the Double Down. Including the Fried Bacon Mayo Sauce.

But despite the protests from skinny vegans and assertions from Christian Parent Watchdog groups who no doubt blame this on President Obama, the fact remains that Americans WANT to eat this kind of stuff. Just look at it, it looks delicious. The Double Down combines America's two favorite animals to eat (chicken and pigs), deep fries them, and slaps them together without the inconvenience that is bread. We all know that's why fancy restaurants put a basket of bread in front of you as soon as you sit down: so you'll get full on that instead of chicken and pork/ham/bacon. It's a trick, America! Wake up!

One can only hope that other fast food restaurants follow suit and create Double Downs of their own. Imagine a Big Mac after it's been given the Double Down treatment: Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on...two more all-beef patties. Or Pizza Hut's Pizza Mess, which is cheese, sauce and pepperoni wrapped in more cheese and sauce.

In closing, most will find it hard to sleep at night knowing that the Double Down is readily available, but don't give in. It's only goal is to slowly kill you and bleed you of all your financial resources (I forgot to mention - it's $5 for one of these). Do the sensible thing and put this monstrosity between 2 slices of bread. Before it's too late.

Post 13. The Cost of Science

The Large Hadron Collider, a $10 billion science machine that many believe will end the world, made one big step towards that goal yesterday when scientists managed to get two proton beams collide at high energy.

And yet, our cars remain flightless.


Stare into the face of death...from your bicycle.

Last year, this machine shut down when a bird dropped some bread into it.

Not making this up.

You would think that $10 billion would be enough to prevent against this sort of animal interference, especially since the entire 17 mile long device is completely underground. I would hate to be the guy who forgot to shut the door behind him and let that bird in.

If $10 billion seems like an exorbitant amount of money to spend on understanding particles that no one is able to see with any instrument and may not even exist...it is. Imagine the breakthroughs in convenience that could be achieved with these kinds of resources. A car that drives itself. A television in that same car. The possibilities are endless.

Instead, the French use all of that money to build a potentially apocalyptic laser beam that can be thwarted by a hungry duck.

This is why no one likes them.

Post 12. Race Relations

The other day I was eating at a Subway Eat Fresh restaurant near me. No, not the one in the picture from Post 10. Different one. I eat a lot of Subway. It's good, quick and cheap meal, despite their atrocious spelling.

During a very busy lunch period, I was standing in line waiting for my delicious Tuna (with Bacon) sub to toast when I surveyed the people around me. Pretty normal lunch crowd, but directly behind me in line was an old burnout. The kind of guy who got lost while smoking weed and listening to Foghat records and never quite found his way back. If you don't know who I'm talking about, go to a 7-11 between the hours of 11am and 1pm. They'll be the guys in mustaches and shorts buying hot dogs.

Normally, I wouldn't have thought twice about this burnout, who I shall name Dennis because that's probably his name, but for some reason I was in a feisty mood and the guy ordered a Seafood Sensation.

Those of you who frequent Subway know about the Seafood Sensation. It's the pile of imitation crab meat slathered in cheap mayo...the sub you're afraid to try, and if you actually had the cajones to do so, have regretted it every day of your life since. Simply put, it's an evil sandwich.

Don't be fooled, this will turn into a Seafood Sensation as soon as you take a bite.

Since you don't dare toast the Seafood Sensation (warming the "meat" has a similar effect to feeding a Mogwai after midnight: the sandwich will turn into a mischievous creature that will eventually spawn and terrorize a small Midwestern town on Christmas Eve), I let Dennis go ahead of me while I was waiting for my safe, delicious, and soon-to-be-warm Tuna (with Bacon).

To set the stage: this particular Subway Eat Fresh restaurant is in a particularly busy area of the particularly crowded city in which I live. In order to keep up with the demand for this divine lunch treat, the store manager has created an assembly line whose efficiency would send Henry Ford into a jealous rage. You get in, you get your food, you get out - all within 10 minutes and for $5. Like I said: good, quick and cheap.

This is where things took a turn for the worse: as Dennis' evil sandwich got passed from Bread Guy to Meat Guy to Vegetable Girl, Dennis was suddenly stricken deaf. Or perhaps he was that way when he entered the restaurant (which would certainly explain his shouting for the Seafood Sensation, something that I would try to keep as quiet as possible). So when Veggie Girl, whose sole responsibility is to say to the customer, "Veggies?" and then put whatever they ask for in modest amounts on top of their chosen sub, did just that, Dennis replied with, "What did you say? Beetles?" (or perhaps Beatles, since he is of that generation).

Being in my feisty mood, I said aloud, "Why would she say beetles (or Beatles)?"

No answer.

Veggie Girl spoke up. "Veggies?", she said, this time loud enough for Dennis, whose ears have no doubt suffered years of abuse from Bad Company and Molly Hatchet, to hear.

Now clear to him, Dennis rattled off his list of desired ingredients, in a vain attempt to counteract the ill effects from The Evil Sandwich. "But no beetles", he reminded Veggie Girl, as though she had a bin full of insects for those that want their protein and don't mind a small surcharge. Ironic, as beetles, live or dead, would actually be an improvement to The Evil Sandwich.

In the meantime, my delicious Tuna (with Bacon) had been delivered from the Subway Eat Fresh Toaster, warmed to perfection and ready to receive its cool vegetable brothers. I'm a big fan of a lot of veggies; not only do I feel like I'm eating right (I'm not), I also feel like I'm getting my money's worth (I am).

Upon completion, my lunch gets passed from Veggie Girl to Wrapping Guy, where I catch up with Dennis, who has passed through the gauntlet and has met the final challenge: Cashier Guy. Cashier Guy rings up his (Evil) Seafood Sensation, and gives Dennis the total: $4.24.

A bit of imagined history of Dennis: as a child, Dennis was average at math. He understand quantity, but had trouble in later years with the concept of value. This is why he would order a 6 inch sub at a time when a footlong is, famously, $5. For roughly 50% more money, you get 100% more sub. Which is conveniently cut in half, making it saveable for later. That, Dennis, is value.

The Value Lesson lost on him, Dennis did manage to remember the math concept he was able to master: quantity. You see, a 6 inch (Evil) Seafood Sensation is only $3.25. A full 99 cents from the $4.24 total which was read to him by Cashier Guy. Upon realizing this, Dennis (loudly, of course) challenged Cashier Guy's request for an additional 99 cents. "The Seafood is only $3.25!" Dennis roared, not concerned with the shame of ordering such a horrendous food.

Cashier Guy, being of a meek and humble nature, looked down at his money-collecting computer, recognized the error, and corrected it. "I'm sorry. I charged you for a Chicken Bacon Ranch," said Cashier Guy. "$3.25"

Dennis hands Cashier Guy the cash (undoubtedly damp with sweat) and completes the financial transaction. The verbal transaction, however, was far from over.

"Is this how you get rich? Skimming off the top?" Dennis asked.

True to his meek and humble nature, Cashier Guy smiled and went back to his counting. Not satisfied with his response, Dennis committed an unforgivable transgression:

"[Is this how you] save up so you can go back to Mexico?"

A little (real) background on Cashier Guy: he is of Hispanic ethnicity, although I have no idea where he's from. I do know that he's worked at this Subway for over a year, is polite, friendly, works hard and does a good job. And presumably does not skim 99 cents off of those stupid enough to buy a Seafood Sensation. I'm sure the last thing he wants to hear is an accusation of absconding with stolen sandwich money from a burned out old pothead.

Not being in the mood to stand by idly while Dennis berates this man, I retort, "Wow, that was inappropriate." Not the cleverest or most strongly worded phrase I've ever used, but it was enough to A. reprimand Dennis for his racist remark (and subtly imply a poor choice of lunch) and B. distract his attention from Cashier Guy.

"Yeah, well neither was charging me $4.24 for that sub."

And with that statement of misguided justification, Dennis stormed out of my life, and more importantly Cashier Guy's, forever. Hopefully.

All in all, not that exciting or even remarkable of a story, but it's moral is clear: don't be a racist douchebag, especially to the people working hard to provide you with a disgusting lunch. They don't deserve your abuse.

Post 11. Language

This is from a Subway near me.




Did they just not have an "A"?

Post 10. Letting Go of Something You Love

Most of us are creatures of habit. We yearn for the familiar, as it brings comfort and safety. That's why we have the same friends for years, wear the same pair of sweatpants until they're just gross and why we don't quit our jobs when we should, even though we hate them and each day we go there is just one less day we have to spend living. WHOA! HEY! Let's not start that kind of talk!

It's because of this need for the familiar that we also have trouble letting go of old jokes. You know, the one that got a big laugh back in the 90s, so you just kept on using it. Old Reliable.

A word of advice: STOP! Comedy comes from playing against expectations, so every time you hear the same joke, it's less funny. That's why Two and a Half Men isn't funny - they've been making the same joke for years. Those aren't real people laughing, it's a recording of an I Love Lucy audience that's been passed around Hollywood for decades. So if you keep making any of the following jokes, you're part of the problem, not the solution:

When asking a question that gets no response, saying "Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?" This was, of course, Ben Stein's famous line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, which came out in 1986. That makes this joke 24 years old. STOP!

When addressing someone at their place of employment, "So, workin' hard or hardly workin'?" No one knows the exact origin of this phrase, which is a good thing, for that person and all of their living relatives would be tried for crimes against humanity for this dud. Yes, these words in reverse order have completely opposite meanings. We get it. That doesn't make it funny. However, this joke could be funny if said to any of the following: bums, inmates, police officers, dogs or rocks.

Saying you have "a case of The Mondays". This is not a real disease, quit trying to get sympathy from people because you aren't prepared for going back to work, which you do every 7 days. Office Space didn't make it okay to use, it mocked those who do use it. Do you want to be mocked by a 10 year old movie? No. Let it go.

If you're in a store, and an item you are purchasing won't scan, saying "well it must be free, then!" doesn't make it free. It also doesn't make you endearing. Don't make the cashier's day worse.

Also, if you're still quoting Austin Powers or Ace Ventura on a regular and non-ironic basis, shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.

Post 9. Dancing With - WTF?!

UPDATE:

Buzz Aldrin has been added to this season's cast of Dancing With the Stars. Yes, astronaut and American Hero Buzz Aldrin. Yes, second man on The Moon Buzz Aldrin. Yes, the same Buzz Aldrin who punched a guy in the face when he called Buzz a liar for saying he landed on the moon. Not told to "shut up," not slapped, but punched in the face.

In other words, Buzz Aldrin is awesome and has no place on this travesty. Unless he just really likes to dance.

Here's the 80-year-old's dancing partner on the show:



To reiterate: Buzz Aldrin, American Hero.

Post 8. Brotherly Love

Post 7. Celebrity Qualification

ABC just announced the cast of the next season of Dancing With the Stars.

For those (like me) who have never seen this show, it's an American reality show where celebrities partner up with professional dancers and compete against each other in weekly elimination rounds to determine a winner.

I made sure to include "American" so that my international readers don't get confused.

The Cast includes:

Pam Anderson, Erin Andrews, Shannen Doherty, Kate Gosselin, Evan Lysacek, Niecy Nash, Chad Ochocinco, Jake Pavelka, Nicole Scherzinger and Aiden Turner.

I have no idea who most of these people are. With the exception of 3 (in italics below), I had to look them up to make sure that after nine seasons, I still didn't want to watch this show.

This has since been confirmed.

For those who are also in the dark:

Pam Anderson - most famous for having sex with her husband Tommy Lee in a homemade video, Pam made a brief name for herself when she would run up and down a beach in slow motion in loosely tied together contrivances called "Baywatch".

Erin Andrews - also most famous for being photographed naked (although unknowingly), she is currently a sideline sportscaster designed to keep men from changing the channel during baseball games. No word on whether it's working yet.

Shannen Doherty - she was Brenda Walsh. Duh.

Kate Gosselin - the subject of a reality show about her, her husband Jon, and their eight children, Kate made national headlines last year when she changed her hairstyle. Not making this up.

Evan Lysacek - Olympic gold medalist in figure skating which means he's gay which means he knows how to dance which means he'll win. Stereotypes.

Niecy Nash - actress best known for her role as Deputy Raineesha Williams on Reno 911. Technically, I knew who she was, just didn't recognize her by name. She's hilarious and will no doubt lose because people who watch Dancing With the Stars hate comedy.

Chad Ochocinco - outspoken star wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals, Chad made headlines in 2008 when he legally changed his last name from "Johnson" to "Ochocinco" as a reflection of his jersey, number 85. Chad is also not good at Spanish.

Jake Pavelka - commercial pilot and former suitor on The Bachelorette, where he chose Vienna Girardi over Tenley Molzahn and two dozen other women with made-up names. Reality begat reality.

Nicole Scherzinger - yet another former reality television "star", Nicole is/was the singer in the Pussycat Dolls, a group of singing prostitutes.

Aiden Turner - Who cares.

There you have it. The cast of something or other.

In other news, Parenthood starts tonight at 10 on NBC!

Post 6. Jerry Brown

I'm a big believer in the philosophy of not looking back. I think we go through phases in life that end so that we can move on to the next one. So getting back together with old girlfriends, going back to old jobs, moving back in to places you used to live...move forward, not back.

Jerry Brown does not believe in this, obviously.

Today he announced his candidacy for Governor of California. This IS a repeat from 1975, when he was elected and served two terms.

First, isn't this kind of thing illegal? Otherwise, wouldn't Last Action Hero run again?

Secondly, why would you want to go back to your old job? Wouldn't it be weird seeing all the people you used to work with, who have since gotten used to life without you? Plus, they've probably changed where they put everything in the kitchen and you'll just end up being that old guy who keeps going, "when I worked here before..."

A failed presidential bid in 1992 left him wondering what to do with his life, so he became a talk radio show host in Berkeley, CA, where he discussed California politics.

Then he became Mayor of Oakland. After being Governor of the state Oakland is in.

And if that wasn't enough, then he became the state Attorney General. Of California.

Look, Jerry. California knows you want to get back together. After a few rough relationships, she was seeing the tan muscle head for a while, but now she wants someone stable in her life.

Basically, Jerry, you're the Forrest to her Jenny. Is she ready to come back and have a baby with you that will one day grow up to be Haley Joel Osment? We'll find out in November.

Post 5. ChatRoulette

I had my first exposure to ChatRoulette tonight. Exposure is an appropriate word. In the span of 10 minutes, I saw three penises. Penii. More than one penis.

This website is an exhibitionist's dream come true. Random people tuning in to your own personal television station. Where you show porn of you.

Other than people exposing themselves, ChatRoulette is mostly made up of bored teenagers. It's like the ultimate Hot or Not for masochists; with people instantly deciding whether or not they want to talk to you based solely on your looks, you can actually watch yourself get rejected on screen.

The moral of the story: Get to the gym, fatass.

Post 4. Animal Logic

Facebook is wonderful for judging the company you keep. A friend of a friend had this to say about the tragedy at SeaWorld yesterday:

"Seriously though, the whale probably just came to it's senses and realized it was in captivity being forced to do tricks!"

While I can believe that a killer whale has some sense of being imprisoned versus its instinct to migrate, I find it hard to swallow that Tilikum felt like he was being used. It's not as if the whale suddenly came to the realization that he is only a source of amusement for humans and therefore sought his revenge.

Something that most people don't realize about animals: they don't have complex emotions. They don't feel used or betrayed; they don't seek revenge; they don't feel guilt or remorse. If a dog pees on the rug and then goes and hides, it's because it's conditioned to know that you're going to punish it, not because he feels bad about what he's done, but can't bring himself to come clean.

Animals only feel the most basic emotions: hunger, thirst, exhaustion, horny. This is why they are far superior to us as people and will someday rule this planet with an iron fist.

Post 3. Parenting Math

More on parents...

While at the zoo on Sunday, I overheard a mom punish her daughter, who was apparently misbehaving.

"That's 5 Barbies now!"

Since her tone didn't seem to indicate that a giant reward of new toys, I took it to mean that she was going to have 5 of her no doubt beloved Barbie dolls taken away from her as soon as they got home (provided mom makes good on her threat).

I was left to wonder, "Is this an intimidating punishment?" If a child already has 5 of a toy, one has to assume there are many others to keep them occupied should those 5 be taken in what is no doubt a egregious act of betrayal on mom's part.

Had this been my sister when we were kids, she would now be down to (-4) Barbies and would have spent the next 7 years trying to get her Barbie inventory out of the red.

Post 2. Parents Embracing Technology

My Dad just texted me:

"I know you're enjoying the company of a lady friend, anything serious?"

I think he means my girlfriend. Or a courtesan I've hired. Hard to tell.

Yes, I have been courting [Jane Smith] for some time now. I reckon I may ask her to accompany me to the Ice Cream Social next month.

It's weird to get texts from parents and see them on Facebook. There was an understood boundary a few years ago - young people played with computers, their parents didn't understand how they work. It's the natural order of things. But now, technology has become so user-friendly, you can't keep anyone out. It's like being a fan of Nirvana in 1991 and then your mom asking you, "what's this "lights out" song I keep hearing? It reminds me of Blue Cheer".

Whatever that is.

I bet this is how 13 year olds feel about me being on Twitter.

Post 1. Test

Just a test here. Nothing to see, keep moving.