Post 12. Race Relations

The other day I was eating at a Subway Eat Fresh restaurant near me. No, not the one in the picture from Post 10. Different one. I eat a lot of Subway. It's good, quick and cheap meal, despite their atrocious spelling.

During a very busy lunch period, I was standing in line waiting for my delicious Tuna (with Bacon) sub to toast when I surveyed the people around me. Pretty normal lunch crowd, but directly behind me in line was an old burnout. The kind of guy who got lost while smoking weed and listening to Foghat records and never quite found his way back. If you don't know who I'm talking about, go to a 7-11 between the hours of 11am and 1pm. They'll be the guys in mustaches and shorts buying hot dogs.

Normally, I wouldn't have thought twice about this burnout, who I shall name Dennis because that's probably his name, but for some reason I was in a feisty mood and the guy ordered a Seafood Sensation.

Those of you who frequent Subway know about the Seafood Sensation. It's the pile of imitation crab meat slathered in cheap mayo...the sub you're afraid to try, and if you actually had the cajones to do so, have regretted it every day of your life since. Simply put, it's an evil sandwich.

Don't be fooled, this will turn into a Seafood Sensation as soon as you take a bite.

Since you don't dare toast the Seafood Sensation (warming the "meat" has a similar effect to feeding a Mogwai after midnight: the sandwich will turn into a mischievous creature that will eventually spawn and terrorize a small Midwestern town on Christmas Eve), I let Dennis go ahead of me while I was waiting for my safe, delicious, and soon-to-be-warm Tuna (with Bacon).

To set the stage: this particular Subway Eat Fresh restaurant is in a particularly busy area of the particularly crowded city in which I live. In order to keep up with the demand for this divine lunch treat, the store manager has created an assembly line whose efficiency would send Henry Ford into a jealous rage. You get in, you get your food, you get out - all within 10 minutes and for $5. Like I said: good, quick and cheap.

This is where things took a turn for the worse: as Dennis' evil sandwich got passed from Bread Guy to Meat Guy to Vegetable Girl, Dennis was suddenly stricken deaf. Or perhaps he was that way when he entered the restaurant (which would certainly explain his shouting for the Seafood Sensation, something that I would try to keep as quiet as possible). So when Veggie Girl, whose sole responsibility is to say to the customer, "Veggies?" and then put whatever they ask for in modest amounts on top of their chosen sub, did just that, Dennis replied with, "What did you say? Beetles?" (or perhaps Beatles, since he is of that generation).

Being in my feisty mood, I said aloud, "Why would she say beetles (or Beatles)?"

No answer.

Veggie Girl spoke up. "Veggies?", she said, this time loud enough for Dennis, whose ears have no doubt suffered years of abuse from Bad Company and Molly Hatchet, to hear.

Now clear to him, Dennis rattled off his list of desired ingredients, in a vain attempt to counteract the ill effects from The Evil Sandwich. "But no beetles", he reminded Veggie Girl, as though she had a bin full of insects for those that want their protein and don't mind a small surcharge. Ironic, as beetles, live or dead, would actually be an improvement to The Evil Sandwich.

In the meantime, my delicious Tuna (with Bacon) had been delivered from the Subway Eat Fresh Toaster, warmed to perfection and ready to receive its cool vegetable brothers. I'm a big fan of a lot of veggies; not only do I feel like I'm eating right (I'm not), I also feel like I'm getting my money's worth (I am).

Upon completion, my lunch gets passed from Veggie Girl to Wrapping Guy, where I catch up with Dennis, who has passed through the gauntlet and has met the final challenge: Cashier Guy. Cashier Guy rings up his (Evil) Seafood Sensation, and gives Dennis the total: $4.24.

A bit of imagined history of Dennis: as a child, Dennis was average at math. He understand quantity, but had trouble in later years with the concept of value. This is why he would order a 6 inch sub at a time when a footlong is, famously, $5. For roughly 50% more money, you get 100% more sub. Which is conveniently cut in half, making it saveable for later. That, Dennis, is value.

The Value Lesson lost on him, Dennis did manage to remember the math concept he was able to master: quantity. You see, a 6 inch (Evil) Seafood Sensation is only $3.25. A full 99 cents from the $4.24 total which was read to him by Cashier Guy. Upon realizing this, Dennis (loudly, of course) challenged Cashier Guy's request for an additional 99 cents. "The Seafood is only $3.25!" Dennis roared, not concerned with the shame of ordering such a horrendous food.

Cashier Guy, being of a meek and humble nature, looked down at his money-collecting computer, recognized the error, and corrected it. "I'm sorry. I charged you for a Chicken Bacon Ranch," said Cashier Guy. "$3.25"

Dennis hands Cashier Guy the cash (undoubtedly damp with sweat) and completes the financial transaction. The verbal transaction, however, was far from over.

"Is this how you get rich? Skimming off the top?" Dennis asked.

True to his meek and humble nature, Cashier Guy smiled and went back to his counting. Not satisfied with his response, Dennis committed an unforgivable transgression:

"[Is this how you] save up so you can go back to Mexico?"

A little (real) background on Cashier Guy: he is of Hispanic ethnicity, although I have no idea where he's from. I do know that he's worked at this Subway for over a year, is polite, friendly, works hard and does a good job. And presumably does not skim 99 cents off of those stupid enough to buy a Seafood Sensation. I'm sure the last thing he wants to hear is an accusation of absconding with stolen sandwich money from a burned out old pothead.

Not being in the mood to stand by idly while Dennis berates this man, I retort, "Wow, that was inappropriate." Not the cleverest or most strongly worded phrase I've ever used, but it was enough to A. reprimand Dennis for his racist remark (and subtly imply a poor choice of lunch) and B. distract his attention from Cashier Guy.

"Yeah, well neither was charging me $4.24 for that sub."

And with that statement of misguided justification, Dennis stormed out of my life, and more importantly Cashier Guy's, forever. Hopefully.

All in all, not that exciting or even remarkable of a story, but it's moral is clear: don't be a racist douchebag, especially to the people working hard to provide you with a disgusting lunch. They don't deserve your abuse.