Post 14. Health

Last week, KFC, the company formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken (but since truncated to minimize spelling errors in Twitter feeds) announced the Double Down, believed to be the world's first breadless sandwich. Which, of course, makes it not a sandwich, as the very definition of sandwich is "stuff between two pieces of bread".

A fitting tribute to the (hopeful) end of the Morbidly Obese Era, the Double Down is a bacon and cheese sandwich with some kind of zesty sauce trapped between your choice of 2 pieces of either fried or grilled chicken, aka the world's first edible suicide attempt.


This is what KFC wants you to think you're getting.


This is what you're actually getting.

What's truly amazing about the Double Down is not its enormous caloric (540) or fat (32g) content, it's that it's NOT THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING YOU CAN BUY. Numerous fast food chains, despite their limp attempts to appear the opposite, still offer menu options that will clog your arteries mid-meal. Hell, every item on Carl's Jr. menu is unhealthier than the Double Down. Including the Fried Bacon Mayo Sauce.

But despite the protests from skinny vegans and assertions from Christian Parent Watchdog groups who no doubt blame this on President Obama, the fact remains that Americans WANT to eat this kind of stuff. Just look at it, it looks delicious. The Double Down combines America's two favorite animals to eat (chicken and pigs), deep fries them, and slaps them together without the inconvenience that is bread. We all know that's why fancy restaurants put a basket of bread in front of you as soon as you sit down: so you'll get full on that instead of chicken and pork/ham/bacon. It's a trick, America! Wake up!

One can only hope that other fast food restaurants follow suit and create Double Downs of their own. Imagine a Big Mac after it's been given the Double Down treatment: Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on...two more all-beef patties. Or Pizza Hut's Pizza Mess, which is cheese, sauce and pepperoni wrapped in more cheese and sauce.

In closing, most will find it hard to sleep at night knowing that the Double Down is readily available, but don't give in. It's only goal is to slowly kill you and bleed you of all your financial resources (I forgot to mention - it's $5 for one of these). Do the sensible thing and put this monstrosity between 2 slices of bread. Before it's too late.

Post 4. Animal Logic

Facebook is wonderful for judging the company you keep. A friend of a friend had this to say about the tragedy at SeaWorld yesterday:

"Seriously though, the whale probably just came to it's senses and realized it was in captivity being forced to do tricks!"

While I can believe that a killer whale has some sense of being imprisoned versus its instinct to migrate, I find it hard to swallow that Tilikum felt like he was being used. It's not as if the whale suddenly came to the realization that he is only a source of amusement for humans and therefore sought his revenge.

Something that most people don't realize about animals: they don't have complex emotions. They don't feel used or betrayed; they don't seek revenge; they don't feel guilt or remorse. If a dog pees on the rug and then goes and hides, it's because it's conditioned to know that you're going to punish it, not because he feels bad about what he's done, but can't bring himself to come clean.

Animals only feel the most basic emotions: hunger, thirst, exhaustion, horny. This is why they are far superior to us as people and will someday rule this planet with an iron fist.