Did they just not have an "A"?
3/15/10
3/9/10
Post 10. Letting Go of Something You Love
Most of us are creatures of habit. We yearn for the familiar, as it brings comfort and safety. That's why we have the same friends for years, wear the same pair of sweatpants until they're just gross and why we don't quit our jobs when we should, even though we hate them and each day we go there is just one less day we have to spend living. WHOA! HEY! Let's not start that kind of talk!
It's because of this need for the familiar that we also have trouble letting go of old jokes. You know, the one that got a big laugh back in the 90s, so you just kept on using it. Old Reliable.
A word of advice: STOP! Comedy comes from playing against expectations, so every time you hear the same joke, it's less funny. That's why Two and a Half Men isn't funny - they've been making the same joke for years. Those aren't real people laughing, it's a recording of an I Love Lucy audience that's been passed around Hollywood for decades. So if you keep making any of the following jokes, you're part of the problem, not the solution:
When asking a question that gets no response, saying "Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?" This was, of course, Ben Stein's famous line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, which came out in 1986. That makes this joke 24 years old. STOP!
When addressing someone at their place of employment, "So, workin' hard or hardly workin'?" No one knows the exact origin of this phrase, which is a good thing, for that person and all of their living relatives would be tried for crimes against humanity for this dud. Yes, these words in reverse order have completely opposite meanings. We get it. That doesn't make it funny. However, this joke could be funny if said to any of the following: bums, inmates, police officers, dogs or rocks.
Saying you have "a case of The Mondays". This is not a real disease, quit trying to get sympathy from people because you aren't prepared for going back to work, which you do every 7 days. Office Space didn't make it okay to use, it mocked those who do use it. Do you want to be mocked by a 10 year old movie? No. Let it go.
If you're in a store, and an item you are purchasing won't scan, saying "well it must be free, then!" doesn't make it free. It also doesn't make you endearing. Don't make the cashier's day worse.
Also, if you're still quoting Austin Powers or Ace Ventura on a regular and non-ironic basis, shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.
It's because of this need for the familiar that we also have trouble letting go of old jokes. You know, the one that got a big laugh back in the 90s, so you just kept on using it. Old Reliable.
A word of advice: STOP! Comedy comes from playing against expectations, so every time you hear the same joke, it's less funny. That's why Two and a Half Men isn't funny - they've been making the same joke for years. Those aren't real people laughing, it's a recording of an I Love Lucy audience that's been passed around Hollywood for decades. So if you keep making any of the following jokes, you're part of the problem, not the solution:
When asking a question that gets no response, saying "Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?" This was, of course, Ben Stein's famous line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, which came out in 1986. That makes this joke 24 years old. STOP!
When addressing someone at their place of employment, "So, workin' hard or hardly workin'?" No one knows the exact origin of this phrase, which is a good thing, for that person and all of their living relatives would be tried for crimes against humanity for this dud. Yes, these words in reverse order have completely opposite meanings. We get it. That doesn't make it funny. However, this joke could be funny if said to any of the following: bums, inmates, police officers, dogs or rocks.
Saying you have "a case of The Mondays". This is not a real disease, quit trying to get sympathy from people because you aren't prepared for going back to work, which you do every 7 days. Office Space didn't make it okay to use, it mocked those who do use it. Do you want to be mocked by a 10 year old movie? No. Let it go.
If you're in a store, and an item you are purchasing won't scan, saying "well it must be free, then!" doesn't make it free. It also doesn't make you endearing. Don't make the cashier's day worse.
Also, if you're still quoting Austin Powers or Ace Ventura on a regular and non-ironic basis, shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.
3/8/10
Post 9. Dancing With - WTF?!
UPDATE:
Buzz Aldrin has been added to this season's cast of Dancing With the Stars. Yes, astronaut and American Hero Buzz Aldrin. Yes, second man on The Moon Buzz Aldrin. Yes, the same Buzz Aldrin who punched a guy in the face when he called Buzz a liar for saying he landed on the moon. Not told to "shut up," not slapped, but punched in the face.
In other words, Buzz Aldrin is awesome and has no place on this travesty. Unless he just really likes to dance.
Here's the 80-year-old's dancing partner on the show:
To reiterate: Buzz Aldrin, American Hero.
Buzz Aldrin has been added to this season's cast of Dancing With the Stars. Yes, astronaut and American Hero Buzz Aldrin. Yes, second man on The Moon Buzz Aldrin. Yes, the same Buzz Aldrin who punched a guy in the face when he called Buzz a liar for saying he landed on the moon. Not told to "shut up," not slapped, but punched in the face.
In other words, Buzz Aldrin is awesome and has no place on this travesty. Unless he just really likes to dance.
Here's the 80-year-old's dancing partner on the show:
To reiterate: Buzz Aldrin, American Hero.
3/2/10
Post 7. Celebrity Qualification
ABC just announced the cast of the next season of Dancing With the Stars.
For those (like me) who have never seen this show, it's an American reality show where celebrities partner up with professional dancers and compete against each other in weekly elimination rounds to determine a winner.
I made sure to include "American" so that my international readers don't get confused.
The Cast includes:
Pam Anderson, Erin Andrews, Shannen Doherty, Kate Gosselin, Evan Lysacek, Niecy Nash, Chad Ochocinco, Jake Pavelka, Nicole Scherzinger and Aiden Turner.
I have no idea who most of these people are. With the exception of 3 (in italics below), I had to look them up to make sure that after nine seasons, I still didn't want to watch this show.
This has since been confirmed.
For those who are also in the dark:
Pam Anderson - most famous for having sex with her husband Tommy Lee in a homemade video, Pam made a brief name for herself when she would run up and down a beach in slow motion in loosely tied together contrivances called "Baywatch".
Erin Andrews - also most famous for being photographed naked (although unknowingly), she is currently a sideline sportscaster designed to keep men from changing the channel during baseball games. No word on whether it's working yet.
Shannen Doherty - she was Brenda Walsh. Duh.
Kate Gosselin - the subject of a reality show about her, her husband Jon, and their eight children, Kate made national headlines last year when she changed her hairstyle. Not making this up.
Evan Lysacek - Olympic gold medalist in figure skating which means he's gay which means he knows how to dance which means he'll win. Stereotypes.
Niecy Nash - actress best known for her role as Deputy Raineesha Williams on Reno 911. Technically, I knew who she was, just didn't recognize her by name. She's hilarious and will no doubt lose because people who watch Dancing With the Stars hate comedy.
Chad Ochocinco - outspoken star wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals, Chad made headlines in 2008 when he legally changed his last name from "Johnson" to "Ochocinco" as a reflection of his jersey, number 85. Chad is also not good at Spanish.
Jake Pavelka - commercial pilot and former suitor on The Bachelorette, where he chose Vienna Girardi over Tenley Molzahn and two dozen other women with made-up names. Reality begat reality.
Nicole Scherzinger - yet another former reality television "star", Nicole is/was the singer in the Pussycat Dolls, a group of singing prostitutes.
Aiden Turner - Who cares.
There you have it. The cast of something or other.
In other news, Parenthood starts tonight at 10 on NBC!
For those (like me) who have never seen this show, it's an American reality show where celebrities partner up with professional dancers and compete against each other in weekly elimination rounds to determine a winner.
I made sure to include "American" so that my international readers don't get confused.
The Cast includes:
Pam Anderson, Erin Andrews, Shannen Doherty, Kate Gosselin, Evan Lysacek, Niecy Nash, Chad Ochocinco, Jake Pavelka, Nicole Scherzinger and Aiden Turner.
I have no idea who most of these people are. With the exception of 3 (in italics below), I had to look them up to make sure that after nine seasons, I still didn't want to watch this show.
This has since been confirmed.
For those who are also in the dark:
Pam Anderson - most famous for having sex with her husband Tommy Lee in a homemade video, Pam made a brief name for herself when she would run up and down a beach in slow motion in loosely tied together contrivances called "Baywatch".
Erin Andrews - also most famous for being photographed naked (although unknowingly), she is currently a sideline sportscaster designed to keep men from changing the channel during baseball games. No word on whether it's working yet.
Shannen Doherty - she was Brenda Walsh. Duh.
Kate Gosselin - the subject of a reality show about her, her husband Jon, and their eight children, Kate made national headlines last year when she changed her hairstyle. Not making this up.
Evan Lysacek - Olympic gold medalist in figure skating which means he's gay which means he knows how to dance which means he'll win. Stereotypes.
Niecy Nash - actress best known for her role as Deputy Raineesha Williams on Reno 911. Technically, I knew who she was, just didn't recognize her by name. She's hilarious and will no doubt lose because people who watch Dancing With the Stars hate comedy.
Chad Ochocinco - outspoken star wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals, Chad made headlines in 2008 when he legally changed his last name from "Johnson" to "Ochocinco" as a reflection of his jersey, number 85. Chad is also not good at Spanish.
Jake Pavelka - commercial pilot and former suitor on The Bachelorette, where he chose Vienna Girardi over Tenley Molzahn and two dozen other women with made-up names. Reality begat reality.
Nicole Scherzinger - yet another former reality television "star", Nicole is/was the singer in the Pussycat Dolls, a group of singing prostitutes.
Aiden Turner - Who cares.
There you have it. The cast of something or other.
In other news, Parenthood starts tonight at 10 on NBC!
Post 6. Jerry Brown
I'm a big believer in the philosophy of not looking back. I think we go through phases in life that end so that we can move on to the next one. So getting back together with old girlfriends, going back to old jobs, moving back in to places you used to live...move forward, not back.
Jerry Brown does not believe in this, obviously.
Today he announced his candidacy for Governor of California. This IS a repeat from 1975, when he was elected and served two terms.
First, isn't this kind of thing illegal? Otherwise, wouldn't Last Action Hero run again?
Secondly, why would you want to go back to your old job? Wouldn't it be weird seeing all the people you used to work with, who have since gotten used to life without you? Plus, they've probably changed where they put everything in the kitchen and you'll just end up being that old guy who keeps going, "when I worked here before..."
A failed presidential bid in 1992 left him wondering what to do with his life, so he became a talk radio show host in Berkeley, CA, where he discussed California politics.
Then he became Mayor of Oakland. After being Governor of the state Oakland is in.
And if that wasn't enough, then he became the state Attorney General. Of California.
Look, Jerry. California knows you want to get back together. After a few rough relationships, she was seeing the tan muscle head for a while, but now she wants someone stable in her life.
Basically, Jerry, you're the Forrest to her Jenny. Is she ready to come back and have a baby with you that will one day grow up to be Haley Joel Osment? We'll find out in November.
Jerry Brown does not believe in this, obviously.
Today he announced his candidacy for Governor of California. This IS a repeat from 1975, when he was elected and served two terms.
First, isn't this kind of thing illegal? Otherwise, wouldn't Last Action Hero run again?
Secondly, why would you want to go back to your old job? Wouldn't it be weird seeing all the people you used to work with, who have since gotten used to life without you? Plus, they've probably changed where they put everything in the kitchen and you'll just end up being that old guy who keeps going, "when I worked here before..."
A failed presidential bid in 1992 left him wondering what to do with his life, so he became a talk radio show host in Berkeley, CA, where he discussed California politics.
Then he became Mayor of Oakland. After being Governor of the state Oakland is in.
And if that wasn't enough, then he became the state Attorney General. Of California.
Look, Jerry. California knows you want to get back together. After a few rough relationships, she was seeing the tan muscle head for a while, but now she wants someone stable in her life.
Basically, Jerry, you're the Forrest to her Jenny. Is she ready to come back and have a baby with you that will one day grow up to be Haley Joel Osment? We'll find out in November.
2/27/10
Post 5. ChatRoulette
I had my first exposure to ChatRoulette tonight. Exposure is an appropriate word. In the span of 10 minutes, I saw three penises. Penii. More than one penis.
This website is an exhibitionist's dream come true. Random people tuning in to your own personal television station. Where you show porn of you.
Other than people exposing themselves, ChatRoulette is mostly made up of bored teenagers. It's like the ultimate Hot or Not for masochists; with people instantly deciding whether or not they want to talk to you based solely on your looks, you can actually watch yourself get rejected on screen.
The moral of the story: Get to the gym, fatass.
This website is an exhibitionist's dream come true. Random people tuning in to your own personal television station. Where you show porn of you.
Other than people exposing themselves, ChatRoulette is mostly made up of bored teenagers. It's like the ultimate Hot or Not for masochists; with people instantly deciding whether or not they want to talk to you based solely on your looks, you can actually watch yourself get rejected on screen.
The moral of the story: Get to the gym, fatass.
2/25/10
Post 4. Animal Logic
Facebook is wonderful for judging the company you keep. A friend of a friend had this to say about the tragedy at SeaWorld yesterday:
"Seriously though, the whale probably just came to it's senses and realized it was in captivity being forced to do tricks!"
While I can believe that a killer whale has some sense of being imprisoned versus its instinct to migrate, I find it hard to swallow that Tilikum felt like he was being used. It's not as if the whale suddenly came to the realization that he is only a source of amusement for humans and therefore sought his revenge.
Something that most people don't realize about animals: they don't have complex emotions. They don't feel used or betrayed; they don't seek revenge; they don't feel guilt or remorse. If a dog pees on the rug and then goes and hides, it's because it's conditioned to know that you're going to punish it, not because he feels bad about what he's done, but can't bring himself to come clean.
Animals only feel the most basic emotions: hunger, thirst, exhaustion, horny. This is why they are far superior to us as people and will someday rule this planet with an iron fist.
"Seriously though, the whale probably just came to it's senses and realized it was in captivity being forced to do tricks!"
While I can believe that a killer whale has some sense of being imprisoned versus its instinct to migrate, I find it hard to swallow that Tilikum felt like he was being used. It's not as if the whale suddenly came to the realization that he is only a source of amusement for humans and therefore sought his revenge.
Something that most people don't realize about animals: they don't have complex emotions. They don't feel used or betrayed; they don't seek revenge; they don't feel guilt or remorse. If a dog pees on the rug and then goes and hides, it's because it's conditioned to know that you're going to punish it, not because he feels bad about what he's done, but can't bring himself to come clean.
Animals only feel the most basic emotions: hunger, thirst, exhaustion, horny. This is why they are far superior to us as people and will someday rule this planet with an iron fist.
2/23/10
Post 3. Parenting Math
More on parents...
While at the zoo on Sunday, I overheard a mom punish her daughter, who was apparently misbehaving.
"That's 5 Barbies now!"
Since her tone didn't seem to indicate that a giant reward of new toys, I took it to mean that she was going to have 5 of her no doubt beloved Barbie dolls taken away from her as soon as they got home (provided mom makes good on her threat).
I was left to wonder, "Is this an intimidating punishment?" If a child already has 5 of a toy, one has to assume there are many others to keep them occupied should those 5 be taken in what is no doubt a egregious act of betrayal on mom's part.
Had this been my sister when we were kids, she would now be down to (-4) Barbies and would have spent the next 7 years trying to get her Barbie inventory out of the red.
While at the zoo on Sunday, I overheard a mom punish her daughter, who was apparently misbehaving.
"That's 5 Barbies now!"
Since her tone didn't seem to indicate that a giant reward of new toys, I took it to mean that she was going to have 5 of her no doubt beloved Barbie dolls taken away from her as soon as they got home (provided mom makes good on her threat).
I was left to wonder, "Is this an intimidating punishment?" If a child already has 5 of a toy, one has to assume there are many others to keep them occupied should those 5 be taken in what is no doubt a egregious act of betrayal on mom's part.
Had this been my sister when we were kids, she would now be down to (-4) Barbies and would have spent the next 7 years trying to get her Barbie inventory out of the red.
Post 2. Parents Embracing Technology
My Dad just texted me:
"I know you're enjoying the company of a lady friend, anything serious?"
I think he means my girlfriend. Or a courtesan I've hired. Hard to tell.
Yes, I have been courting [Jane Smith] for some time now. I reckon I may ask her to accompany me to the Ice Cream Social next month.
It's weird to get texts from parents and see them on Facebook. There was an understood boundary a few years ago - young people played with computers, their parents didn't understand how they work. It's the natural order of things. But now, technology has become so user-friendly, you can't keep anyone out. It's like being a fan of Nirvana in 1991 and then your mom asking you, "what's this "lights out" song I keep hearing? It reminds me of Blue Cheer".
Whatever that is.
I bet this is how 13 year olds feel about me being on Twitter.
"I know you're enjoying the company of a lady friend, anything serious?"
I think he means my girlfriend. Or a courtesan I've hired. Hard to tell.
Yes, I have been courting [Jane Smith] for some time now. I reckon I may ask her to accompany me to the Ice Cream Social next month.
It's weird to get texts from parents and see them on Facebook. There was an understood boundary a few years ago - young people played with computers, their parents didn't understand how they work. It's the natural order of things. But now, technology has become so user-friendly, you can't keep anyone out. It's like being a fan of Nirvana in 1991 and then your mom asking you, "what's this "lights out" song I keep hearing? It reminds me of Blue Cheer".
Whatever that is.
I bet this is how 13 year olds feel about me being on Twitter.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
