I'm currently reading a popular book series that has been adapted into other forms of media. I'm being vague on purpose to protect those who have yet to read it, as I don't want to spoil it for them.
There is a particular chapter in this series in which the author does something so audacious, so shocking, it's near obliterated everything that has come in the two and a half books before the one I'm reading.
Once my initial shock wore off, I started thinking about the writing and how brave it was of the author to write this particular chapter.
Apologies if I'm being too vague, but like I said, I don't want anyone guessing at what this or trying to figure it out. If it's meant to be, you'll come across it on your own.
Anyway, for the author to have written said chapter took real courage, something that is missing from so much writing, especially in television and movies.
For instance, AMC's series The Killing. While mostly a quality show, it's started to break down around its ninth episode, and it's because the writers of the show are cowards. Too frequently they have led their viewers down a path and made implications and gestures towards something deeper, something of more substance, than the standard issue procedural the show has become. Early in the season, one of the two detectives working on the murder case of a young girl goes to the high school this girl attended. In an effort to find out more, he offers two girls pot and asks if there's a place where they can "party", which here means, "go smoke weed and have sex". At first, this is thrilling, as the viewers are lead to believe this detective, a man in his late 20s, is a sexual predator, and would break the law he is sworn to uphold for a few minutes of pleasure with a couple of underage girls. Within the same scene, it's revealed that it was all a clever put-on by the detective to get these girls to show him the hidden room in the school's basement where kids go to do what he made us think he was going to do. In other words, the writers could have made his character much more interesting, giving him a dimension that is rarely seen on television and definitely not in one of the "good guys". Instead, he's back to being white instead of gray.
This cowardice in writing is maddening, and yet so frequent. It's not completely the fault of television writers, as it is a medium of convention, and more so than any form of writing, it's a medium that is made to sell. You can't advertise in the middle of a book, you can't advertise in the middle of a movie (sort of), but you can sure as hell advertise in the middle of a TV show. Because of this reliance on advertiser dollars, television studios are reluctant to offer fare that takes chances, for fear of scaring away viewers.
But what about movies? If you recently saw THOR, was there ever a moment where you didn't think Thor was going to win? Of course there were moments designed to make you feel that, but did you ever really feel it? Don't get me wrong, THOR is an entertaining enough film, but you know the hero is going to end up the victor. You've been conditioned through thousands of movies, shows, books and other media to know the hero always finds a way to win and dozens of other conventions in story telling.
LOST is another example, though not as much as it seems. For six seasons, the writers of LOST promised us that any character could die at any time, but there was no way that Jack, Kate or Sawyer were ever going to bite the big one. Now, LOST was brave enough to give us an ending that completely betrayed the tone of the series up until that point, and go for an emotional, spiritual ending instead of one that was motivated by plot, but it was the wrong choice for almost all of the audience.
Furthermore, the twist ending is a sort of false bravery, giving the audience only the briefest moment of discord possible. For those who have seen the movie Oldboy, think about how you would have felt watching it knowing what you know at the end. Is the protagonist as easy to root for? Or The Sixth Sense - is the story as suspenseful or Cole's relationship with Malcolm affected by knowing the ending? Is The Usual Suspects still as engaging once you know the truth about the events depicted in it?
It takes real conviction to your craft to be able to muster up the kind of bravery I found in this chapter. It's a courage that the vast majority of writers lack, too bogged down by convention and expectation. Which is what makes this author's writing all that much more special. Mad props, GRRM. Mad props for real.
5/25/11
3/8/11
Post 20: Adverbs and Hyperbole
This is literally the most important era of all time. We are absolutely in the most fertile creative period in all of our history. Never has there been a time when it was actually as good as it is right now. Collectively and individually, we have more to offer than we have ever had before. All media is the best that it's ever been, as everything is monetarily and artistically more viable than at any point in our history. Simplicity is the most beautiful thing in the world. Ironically, it's also the ugliest thing in the universe.
3/2/11
Post 19: Synergy
Yesterday Walt Disney Pictures confirmed that Tom Hanks and Tim Allen, voice stars of the Toy Story movies, will co-star in a live action movie based on the classic Jungle Cruise ride at Disneyland and Walt Disney World.
You might remember that Disney has created films based on their attractions before, making inroads in the art of cinema with The Haunted Mansion, The Country Bears and Johnny Depp of the Caribbean, Parts 1-???.
Each of these films has stayed fairly true to their inspirations, as The Country Bears features singing bears, The Haunted Mansion featured Eddie Murphy as the ghost of his former comedic self and Pirates of the Caribbean featured drunken pirates plundering and kidnapping (and presumably killing) American tourists.
Too soon? Yeah, I guess it was. Eddie Murphy's funny hasn't completely died yet.
We can only assume that Jungle Cruise is going to stay just as true to the ride and be about people on a boat, listening to their captain make bad joke after bad joke while passing by fake animals.
The greenlighting of this movie is yet another example of Disney's commitment to "synergy" a marketing concept meaning "make all of your product exactly the same because people are easily confused." You may have noticed this during recent trips to Disney parks when you rode on Finding Nemo, Toy Story, Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Toy Story 2, Dumbo, Peter Pan, Snow White, Alice in Wonderland, Winnie the Pooh, That Darn Cat or Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo.
Since it's inevitable that Disney will eventually give each of their classic attractions the same treatment, I've gone ahead and given them a head start with some story ideas for each.
SPACE MOUNTAIN
The easiest of them all. A rogue starship captain is hired by a family to take them safely across the galaxy to SIX FLAGS SPACE MOUNTAIN, the world's first theme park in space. Along the way, they battle aliens with...I don't know, lasers probably and dodge asteroids and comets and their daughter falls in love with the handsome captain.
IT'S A SMALL WORLD
Another walk. It's THE SOCIAL NETWORK, but with an international cast.
THE PEOPLE MOVER
A cop on the verge of retirement has to stop a terrorist, who has put a bomb aboard a mag-lev train, which will blow up if it goes above 8mph.
BIG THUNDER MOUNTAIN RAILROAD
Tony Scott directs Denzel Washington as an Old West Sheriff who has to stop a runaway mine train.
FRONTIERLAND SHOOTING GALLERY
Two brothers, the best trick shooters in the world, try to outdo each other in the World Shooting Championship.
THE ENCHANTED TIKI ROOM
A family inherits an old tiki-themed restaurant, but it's already inhabited. By talking birds. And they're not happy.
You might remember that Disney has created films based on their attractions before, making inroads in the art of cinema with The Haunted Mansion, The Country Bears and Johnny Depp of the Caribbean, Parts 1-???.
Each of these films has stayed fairly true to their inspirations, as The Country Bears features singing bears, The Haunted Mansion featured Eddie Murphy as the ghost of his former comedic self and Pirates of the Caribbean featured drunken pirates plundering and kidnapping (and presumably killing) American tourists.
Too soon? Yeah, I guess it was. Eddie Murphy's funny hasn't completely died yet.
We can only assume that Jungle Cruise is going to stay just as true to the ride and be about people on a boat, listening to their captain make bad joke after bad joke while passing by fake animals.
The greenlighting of this movie is yet another example of Disney's commitment to "synergy" a marketing concept meaning "make all of your product exactly the same because people are easily confused." You may have noticed this during recent trips to Disney parks when you rode on Finding Nemo, Toy Story, Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Toy Story 2, Dumbo, Peter Pan, Snow White, Alice in Wonderland, Winnie the Pooh, That Darn Cat or Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo.
Since it's inevitable that Disney will eventually give each of their classic attractions the same treatment, I've gone ahead and given them a head start with some story ideas for each.
SPACE MOUNTAIN
The easiest of them all. A rogue starship captain is hired by a family to take them safely across the galaxy to SIX FLAGS SPACE MOUNTAIN, the world's first theme park in space. Along the way, they battle aliens with...I don't know, lasers probably and dodge asteroids and comets and their daughter falls in love with the handsome captain.
IT'S A SMALL WORLD
Another walk. It's THE SOCIAL NETWORK, but with an international cast.
THE PEOPLE MOVER
A cop on the verge of retirement has to stop a terrorist, who has put a bomb aboard a mag-lev train, which will blow up if it goes above 8mph.
BIG THUNDER MOUNTAIN RAILROAD
Tony Scott directs Denzel Washington as an Old West Sheriff who has to stop a runaway mine train.
FRONTIERLAND SHOOTING GALLERY
Two brothers, the best trick shooters in the world, try to outdo each other in the World Shooting Championship.
THE ENCHANTED TIKI ROOM
A family inherits an old tiki-themed restaurant, but it's already inhabited. By talking birds. And they're not happy.
2/27/11
Post 18: The Most Magical of Kingdoms
While most would argue miracles such as penicillin or television are the greatest achievements in human history, they would be wrong. The high point of human ingenuity was built in the mid-1950s in an orange grove in Anaheim, California by a cartoon maker and a lot of no doubt underpaid construction workers.
Disneyland is just pure awesome.
Theme parks are the greatest form of entertainment, combining all art forms into a unique and shared experience, that can be had for a low price of a day's wages. Per person. Plus food. Plus parking. Plus souvenirs.
Disneyland isn't the first theme park, but it was the first that became a worldwide destination and while other Disney-owned parks - as well as the Universal parks, particularly Islands of Adventure - are as much fun as you can find anywhere, the influence of Walt Disney's direction can still be felt some 55 years later. The purity of this vision is sadly lacking in all of Disney's subsequent parks, as less time, effort and money has been put into guest enjoyment and value since Walt's untimely passing in the late 1960s. The Florida Project, known today as Walt Disney World, is the most obvious case, as that resort's Magic Kingdom park compares most directly with Disneyland. When comparing most common factors, it's easy to see where corners were cut - Pirates of the Caribbean, It's a Small World and Big Thunder Mountain Railroad are approximately half as long as their California Counterparts and while the park is bigger, more of that space seems to be dedicated to gift shops and restaurants than attractions.
It's no secret that theme parks are a business, but the difference Walt Disney's impression made was that it never seemed like such. In this down economy, one notices more than ever the opportunities of what can be perceived as theme parks fleecing their customers. To park in the structure at the Disneyland resort now costs $20, up from $15 just a few years ago. In the last decade, single day park tickets have increased by 100%. For a family of four to spend one day at one of the major Disney or Universal parks, it's an easy $500 between tickets, parking, food and souvenirs. With the average weekly salary of American workers around $750, theme parks, once considered entertainment for all, have been pushed into the domain of extravagances for most and affordable by few.
Furthermore, parks have found ways to monetize the elimination of the most common guest complaint, that of long lines for attractions. While Disney parks are to be commended for not capitalizing on this money-making opportunity, Universal and other smaller parks, Six Flags included, provide a line-skipping option for additional fees. A friend of mine once made a poignant comment about this exact thing: "Theme parks used to be the great equalizer - everyone had to stand in line, rich or poor. Now that you can pay for this luxury, it introduces classes into a place that was built with the intention of eliminating them."
Expensive though they may be, theme parks have a unique way of bringing joy to people. It's a Small World, simple and repetitive as it is, completely justifies standing in line to get on. The magic of theme parks is in the experience, and these experiences cannot be duplicated anywhere. The Captain EO show is still as exciting, fun and entertaining as any movie I've seen in the last year, despite being 25 years old and laughably cheesy in parts. And no movie will ever reach the pinnacle of theme park achievement, The Amazing Adventures of Spider-Man at Universal's Islands of Adventure in Orlando. It's the closest we can come to creating realities out of fantasy yet, and when a park is done right, and you are completely immersed in the environment, there is no place more happy and more magical you can be.
Disneyland is just pure awesome.
Theme parks are the greatest form of entertainment, combining all art forms into a unique and shared experience, that can be had for a low price of a day's wages. Per person. Plus food. Plus parking. Plus souvenirs.
Disneyland isn't the first theme park, but it was the first that became a worldwide destination and while other Disney-owned parks - as well as the Universal parks, particularly Islands of Adventure - are as much fun as you can find anywhere, the influence of Walt Disney's direction can still be felt some 55 years later. The purity of this vision is sadly lacking in all of Disney's subsequent parks, as less time, effort and money has been put into guest enjoyment and value since Walt's untimely passing in the late 1960s. The Florida Project, known today as Walt Disney World, is the most obvious case, as that resort's Magic Kingdom park compares most directly with Disneyland. When comparing most common factors, it's easy to see where corners were cut - Pirates of the Caribbean, It's a Small World and Big Thunder Mountain Railroad are approximately half as long as their California Counterparts and while the park is bigger, more of that space seems to be dedicated to gift shops and restaurants than attractions.
It's no secret that theme parks are a business, but the difference Walt Disney's impression made was that it never seemed like such. In this down economy, one notices more than ever the opportunities of what can be perceived as theme parks fleecing their customers. To park in the structure at the Disneyland resort now costs $20, up from $15 just a few years ago. In the last decade, single day park tickets have increased by 100%. For a family of four to spend one day at one of the major Disney or Universal parks, it's an easy $500 between tickets, parking, food and souvenirs. With the average weekly salary of American workers around $750, theme parks, once considered entertainment for all, have been pushed into the domain of extravagances for most and affordable by few.
Furthermore, parks have found ways to monetize the elimination of the most common guest complaint, that of long lines for attractions. While Disney parks are to be commended for not capitalizing on this money-making opportunity, Universal and other smaller parks, Six Flags included, provide a line-skipping option for additional fees. A friend of mine once made a poignant comment about this exact thing: "Theme parks used to be the great equalizer - everyone had to stand in line, rich or poor. Now that you can pay for this luxury, it introduces classes into a place that was built with the intention of eliminating them."
Expensive though they may be, theme parks have a unique way of bringing joy to people. It's a Small World, simple and repetitive as it is, completely justifies standing in line to get on. The magic of theme parks is in the experience, and these experiences cannot be duplicated anywhere. The Captain EO show is still as exciting, fun and entertaining as any movie I've seen in the last year, despite being 25 years old and laughably cheesy in parts. And no movie will ever reach the pinnacle of theme park achievement, The Amazing Adventures of Spider-Man at Universal's Islands of Adventure in Orlando. It's the closest we can come to creating realities out of fantasy yet, and when a park is done right, and you are completely immersed in the environment, there is no place more happy and more magical you can be.
1/26/11
Post 17: Spoiling the Oscars
Today, as per tradition, the MPAA announced the Academy Award nominations at an ungodly hour so that there will be something to talk about on the Today show. In-coincidentally, this is also the day of the highest number of complaints on Facebook. Why this is a surprise to anyone, I don't know, but every year the Academy fails to recognize a person or movie that is more deserved than the ones they did recognize. This is also the day that most of America looks at this list and says, "I've only seen one of these movies."
To help these people out, I've created this handy guide to each film nominated for Best Picture, so when that guy in the office who acts like he's the living embodiment of culture comes by your desk and brags about how he saw The King's Speech three weeks ago and thinks Colin Firth gave a tour de force performance, you won't have to quickly go to IMDB to see that Colin Firth is the guy from Bridget Jones' Diary.
(Note: I haven't seen all of these, so some of this might be wrong. Oh well.)
BLACK SWAN
DIRECTOR: The guy that did The Wrestler and The Fountain, that weird movie with Wolverine.
MAIN CAST: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. They totally do it, too. No, you don't see much.
SUMMARY: Natalie Portman is a ballerina who goes crazy because she's not perfect.
ODDS OF WINNING: Even
THE FIGHTER
DIRECTOR: That crazy guy from YouTube
MAIN CAST: Marky Mark and Batman
SUMMARY: Marky Mark is a boxer and Batman is his brother, but he goes to jail for some reason and then Marky Mark has to fight to get him out of prison. I think, I didn't see this one.
ODDS OF WINNING: Eh, not bad.
INCEPTION
DIRECTOR: Christopher Nolan, who directed The Dark Knight, aka, THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME
MAIN CAST: Leo, Juno, the kid from "Third Rock From the Sun", a hot French chick
SUMMARY: Leo and his team of thieves go inside a dream within a dream within a dream to plant an idea in The Scarecrow's head.
ODDS OF WINNING: They didn't even nominate Christopher Nolan for directing. Shame on you, MPAA.
THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
DIRECTOR: No idea
MAIN CAST: Julianne Moore, Annette Bening, Mark Ruffalo, the Kids
SUMMARY: A lesbian couple's baby daddy comes into their life and gets all charming.
ODDS OF WINNING: Low, this kind of stuff never wins
THE KING'S SPEECH
DIRECTOR: Not sure, but he's probably British
MAIN CAST: Colin Firth (the guy from Bridget Jones' Diary who isn't Hugh Grant), Captain Barbossa
SUMMARY: The King of England stutters and Captain Barbossa teaches him to not stutter, presumably through wenching and plundering.
ODDS OF WINNING: High. This was the most nominated movie.
127 HOURS
DIRECTOR: Danny Boyle, who did Slumdog Millionaire and Trainspotting
ONLY CAST: James Franco, since James Franco's arm was cut out of the movie. Haha, get it? You will in a second.
SUMMARY: James Franco cuts his arm off.
ODDS OF WINNING: It's not Slumdog, plus James Franco cuts his arm off.
THE SOCIAL NETWORK
DIRECTOR: David Fincher, who made Fight Club and (before you get all excited) Benjamin Button
MAIN CAST: A bunch of kids
SUMMARY: A nerd invents Facebook, pisses everyone off, then becomes one of the richest men in the world. Kind of like Brewster's Millions.
ODDS OF WINNING: You like this.
TOY STORY 3
DIRECTOR: Cartoons have directors?
MAIN CAST: Woody, Buzz, Rex, Hamm, Mr. Potato Head, a purple bear
SUMMARY: Even toys get sent to nursing homes when they get old
ODDS OF WINNING: Zero. Cartoons get a special cartoon Oscar.
TRUE GRIT
DIRECTORS: The Coen Brothers. If you don't know who they are by now, go see Little Fockers and laugh your fool head off
MAIN CAST: The Dude, a 14 year old girl, MAHT DAYYMONN
SUMMARY: The 14 year old girl hires The Dude to find the man that killed her dad and they run into some f'ing nihilists along the way.
ODDS OF WINNING: Low. The Coens won a couple years ago, and the Academy only gives Clint Eastwood that kind of idol worship
WINTER'S BONE
DIRECTOR: Not sure what this is...
MAIN CAST: I've never even heard of this
SUMMARY: Hell if I know, but it's probably sad and cold
ODDS OF WINNING: Is this a real movie?
To help these people out, I've created this handy guide to each film nominated for Best Picture, so when that guy in the office who acts like he's the living embodiment of culture comes by your desk and brags about how he saw The King's Speech three weeks ago and thinks Colin Firth gave a tour de force performance, you won't have to quickly go to IMDB to see that Colin Firth is the guy from Bridget Jones' Diary.
(Note: I haven't seen all of these, so some of this might be wrong. Oh well.)
BLACK SWAN
DIRECTOR: The guy that did The Wrestler and The Fountain, that weird movie with Wolverine.
MAIN CAST: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. They totally do it, too. No, you don't see much.
SUMMARY: Natalie Portman is a ballerina who goes crazy because she's not perfect.
ODDS OF WINNING: Even
THE FIGHTER
DIRECTOR: That crazy guy from YouTube
MAIN CAST: Marky Mark and Batman
SUMMARY: Marky Mark is a boxer and Batman is his brother, but he goes to jail for some reason and then Marky Mark has to fight to get him out of prison. I think, I didn't see this one.
ODDS OF WINNING: Eh, not bad.
INCEPTION
DIRECTOR: Christopher Nolan, who directed The Dark Knight, aka, THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME
MAIN CAST: Leo, Juno, the kid from "Third Rock From the Sun", a hot French chick
SUMMARY: Leo and his team of thieves go inside a dream within a dream within a dream to plant an idea in The Scarecrow's head.
ODDS OF WINNING: They didn't even nominate Christopher Nolan for directing. Shame on you, MPAA.
THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
DIRECTOR: No idea
MAIN CAST: Julianne Moore, Annette Bening, Mark Ruffalo, the Kids
SUMMARY: A lesbian couple's baby daddy comes into their life and gets all charming.
ODDS OF WINNING: Low, this kind of stuff never wins
THE KING'S SPEECH
DIRECTOR: Not sure, but he's probably British
MAIN CAST: Colin Firth (the guy from Bridget Jones' Diary who isn't Hugh Grant), Captain Barbossa
SUMMARY: The King of England stutters and Captain Barbossa teaches him to not stutter, presumably through wenching and plundering.
ODDS OF WINNING: High. This was the most nominated movie.
127 HOURS
DIRECTOR: Danny Boyle, who did Slumdog Millionaire and Trainspotting
ONLY CAST: James Franco, since James Franco's arm was cut out of the movie. Haha, get it? You will in a second.
SUMMARY: James Franco cuts his arm off.
ODDS OF WINNING: It's not Slumdog, plus James Franco cuts his arm off.
THE SOCIAL NETWORK
DIRECTOR: David Fincher, who made Fight Club and (before you get all excited) Benjamin Button
MAIN CAST: A bunch of kids
SUMMARY: A nerd invents Facebook, pisses everyone off, then becomes one of the richest men in the world. Kind of like Brewster's Millions.
ODDS OF WINNING: You like this.
TOY STORY 3
DIRECTOR: Cartoons have directors?
MAIN CAST: Woody, Buzz, Rex, Hamm, Mr. Potato Head, a purple bear
SUMMARY: Even toys get sent to nursing homes when they get old
ODDS OF WINNING: Zero. Cartoons get a special cartoon Oscar.
TRUE GRIT
DIRECTORS: The Coen Brothers. If you don't know who they are by now, go see Little Fockers and laugh your fool head off
MAIN CAST: The Dude, a 14 year old girl, MAHT DAYYMONN
SUMMARY: The 14 year old girl hires The Dude to find the man that killed her dad and they run into some f'ing nihilists along the way.
ODDS OF WINNING: Low. The Coens won a couple years ago, and the Academy only gives Clint Eastwood that kind of idol worship
WINTER'S BONE
DIRECTOR: Not sure what this is...
MAIN CAST: I've never even heard of this
SUMMARY: Hell if I know, but it's probably sad and cold
ODDS OF WINNING: Is this a real movie?
1/24/11
Post 16: Resolve
How many blogs have been written about resolutions? A billion? Probably more than there are blogs in the world. Especially New Year's resolutions. I often wonder if other cultures have such inane customs. China probably doesn't, since they celebrate a different New Year and they're busy building the world's fastest growing economy and using it to open American theme parks.
See?
This year I resolved to do two things and two things only: write every day and lose weight. Yes, these are near-cliche, but I thought my creativity would be better put to use in my writing.
Writing every day is a method that is currently attributed to comedian Jerry Seinfeld, who gave a very simple piece of advice to a young comedian: write every day. This man is worth hundreds of millions of dollars because of things like that.
Life Hacker posted this on their site a couple years ago and despite it's simplicity, it's pretty awesome. You can read about it HERE.
Basically, the idea is to just keep a calendar and mark off every day that you've written. Once you write for a few days in a row, you've started that chain and you then have one goal: DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN.
As of this entry, I'm on my 12th day in a row of writing. Not just stringing together a few choice words, but actual, thoughtful, sincere, delicious writing. Here's the proof:
In these 12 days, I've finished two scripts I've been working on, started on a third, and written two blog entries. No thanks to the wi-fi antenna on my computer, which picked a great time to crap out on me. Thanks a lot, pal.
Now it's working. The point is, thanks to this calendar, I'm holding myself responsible to write every day until it becomes a habit, like brushing my teeth or promising myself I'll never watch Outsourced again and doing it anyway. I've applied the same approach to losing weight, using a website and iPhone app called Lose It! The concept is simple: put in your information, your target weight, the rate at which you want to lose it, and the app gives you a caloric limit and the date that you should reach your goal, if you stay diligent. I'm proud to say that in 22 days of counting my calories, increasing my exercise and being smart about what I'm eating, I've lost a grand total of...2.2 lbs!!!
That's it?! I give up.
See?
This year I resolved to do two things and two things only: write every day and lose weight. Yes, these are near-cliche, but I thought my creativity would be better put to use in my writing.
Writing every day is a method that is currently attributed to comedian Jerry Seinfeld, who gave a very simple piece of advice to a young comedian: write every day. This man is worth hundreds of millions of dollars because of things like that.
Life Hacker posted this on their site a couple years ago and despite it's simplicity, it's pretty awesome. You can read about it HERE.
Basically, the idea is to just keep a calendar and mark off every day that you've written. Once you write for a few days in a row, you've started that chain and you then have one goal: DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN.
As of this entry, I'm on my 12th day in a row of writing. Not just stringing together a few choice words, but actual, thoughtful, sincere, delicious writing. Here's the proof:
In these 12 days, I've finished two scripts I've been working on, started on a third, and written two blog entries. No thanks to the wi-fi antenna on my computer, which picked a great time to crap out on me. Thanks a lot, pal.
Now it's working. The point is, thanks to this calendar, I'm holding myself responsible to write every day until it becomes a habit, like brushing my teeth or promising myself I'll never watch Outsourced again and doing it anyway. I've applied the same approach to losing weight, using a website and iPhone app called Lose It! The concept is simple: put in your information, your target weight, the rate at which you want to lose it, and the app gives you a caloric limit and the date that you should reach your goal, if you stay diligent. I'm proud to say that in 22 days of counting my calories, increasing my exercise and being smart about what I'm eating, I've lost a grand total of...2.2 lbs!!!
That's it?! I give up.
1/13/11
Post 15: Don't Be a Jerk
Before I say anything, a caveat: not all athletes are role models. There are definitely some who are, like the Orlando Magic's star center, Dwight Howard, whose positivity and tenacity on the court has made the Magic one of the most successful teams of the last five years, and whose kindness and affability off the court make him a true hero (if you need proof, read this.
Unfortunately, most star athletes abuse their power and fame, using it only for personal gain, whether it be for fame (Lebron), women (all of them) or money (also all of them). One of the worst offenders of the last kind is baseball legend Pete Rose, aka Charlie Hustle, whose 23 year career is one of the greatest of all time: most games played, most plate appearances, Rookie of the Year, MVP, and more hits than any other player in the history of the game. Unfortunately, greed got the better of Rose, and in 1989 he earned himself a lifetime ban from baseball for betting on games, most despicably betting on his own team while he was a player and manager.
As a child, I met Rose on two occasions, and both times, he was a complete and total tool.
How I didn't see it coming is beyond me.
The first occurred in 1991, when Rose was at a baseball card convention in Orlando (my hometown). I was so excited when my friends and their dad invited me to go with them to this convention, as I'd never seen a real live celebrity in person before. Being 12 and living in Central Florida, baseball was still something magical that you only saw on TV or read about in the newspaper (okay, we had spring training, but it was never the same). We didn't have a lot of money growing up, so the entrance fee alone hampered my spending that day, but there was no way I could afford a $25 signature on a ball or a $50 signature on a bat, as my friends opted for. But armed with my little 110 camera, was ready to meet a real life hero.
As my friend approached the table with his bat, he was lucky enough to get to shake the hand of the All-Time Hits Leader. Of course, fate being what it is, I hadn't advanced the film on my camera (who invented these things?) and missed the shot. I asked Pete if he would shake his hand again, so I could take another picture and I got a response I'll never forget:
"You snooze, you lose, kid."
Not a day has gone by in the last 20 days where that sage wisdom hasn't echoed throughout my brain, reminding me that Pete Rose couldn't even be bothered to take another photo for a 12-year-old with a crappy camera. What a jerk.
Fast forward to a few years later, maybe 1993 or 1994, when Rose opened up a Pete Rose's Ballpark Cafe sports bar in Boca Raton, FL. He did a nightly radio show from there and after the show would sign autographs - on merchandise purchased in the gift shop, of course. Seeking retribution, I bought a vintage-style Reds cap and once again came face to face with the man. Not knowing any better, I asked him if he remembered the incident - where he had refused to take a picture with a kid who had just paid $50 for his autograph on a bat. Without fail, I got another helping of that wisdom that has so obviously served him well in life:
"Well, you get what you pay for."
Twice in my life, I've met Pete and twice in my life, I've been subjected to his snide cliches. I wish I had the same happy memories that others have shared here, but unfortunately, I've got to side with Bud Selig and hope that his ban remains permanent.
The moral of the story: Don't be a jerk to a kid.
Unfortunately, most star athletes abuse their power and fame, using it only for personal gain, whether it be for fame (Lebron), women (all of them) or money (also all of them). One of the worst offenders of the last kind is baseball legend Pete Rose, aka Charlie Hustle, whose 23 year career is one of the greatest of all time: most games played, most plate appearances, Rookie of the Year, MVP, and more hits than any other player in the history of the game. Unfortunately, greed got the better of Rose, and in 1989 he earned himself a lifetime ban from baseball for betting on games, most despicably betting on his own team while he was a player and manager.
As a child, I met Rose on two occasions, and both times, he was a complete and total tool.
How I didn't see it coming is beyond me.
The first occurred in 1991, when Rose was at a baseball card convention in Orlando (my hometown). I was so excited when my friends and their dad invited me to go with them to this convention, as I'd never seen a real live celebrity in person before. Being 12 and living in Central Florida, baseball was still something magical that you only saw on TV or read about in the newspaper (okay, we had spring training, but it was never the same). We didn't have a lot of money growing up, so the entrance fee alone hampered my spending that day, but there was no way I could afford a $25 signature on a ball or a $50 signature on a bat, as my friends opted for. But armed with my little 110 camera, was ready to meet a real life hero.
As my friend approached the table with his bat, he was lucky enough to get to shake the hand of the All-Time Hits Leader. Of course, fate being what it is, I hadn't advanced the film on my camera (who invented these things?) and missed the shot. I asked Pete if he would shake his hand again, so I could take another picture and I got a response I'll never forget:
"You snooze, you lose, kid."
Not a day has gone by in the last 20 days where that sage wisdom hasn't echoed throughout my brain, reminding me that Pete Rose couldn't even be bothered to take another photo for a 12-year-old with a crappy camera. What a jerk.
Fast forward to a few years later, maybe 1993 or 1994, when Rose opened up a Pete Rose's Ballpark Cafe sports bar in Boca Raton, FL. He did a nightly radio show from there and after the show would sign autographs - on merchandise purchased in the gift shop, of course. Seeking retribution, I bought a vintage-style Reds cap and once again came face to face with the man. Not knowing any better, I asked him if he remembered the incident - where he had refused to take a picture with a kid who had just paid $50 for his autograph on a bat. Without fail, I got another helping of that wisdom that has so obviously served him well in life:
"Well, you get what you pay for."
Twice in my life, I've met Pete and twice in my life, I've been subjected to his snide cliches. I wish I had the same happy memories that others have shared here, but unfortunately, I've got to side with Bud Selig and hope that his ban remains permanent.
The moral of the story: Don't be a jerk to a kid.
4/12/10
Post 14. Health
Last week, KFC, the company formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken (but since truncated to minimize spelling errors in Twitter feeds) announced the Double Down, believed to be the world's first breadless sandwich. Which, of course, makes it not a sandwich, as the very definition of sandwich is "stuff between two pieces of bread".
A fitting tribute to the (hopeful) end of the Morbidly Obese Era, the Double Down is a bacon and cheese sandwich with some kind of zesty sauce trapped between your choice of 2 pieces of either fried or grilled chicken, aka the world's first edible suicide attempt.
This is what KFC wants you to think you're getting.
This is what you're actually getting.
What's truly amazing about the Double Down is not its enormous caloric (540) or fat (32g) content, it's that it's NOT THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING YOU CAN BUY. Numerous fast food chains, despite their limp attempts to appear the opposite, still offer menu options that will clog your arteries mid-meal. Hell, every item on Carl's Jr. menu is unhealthier than the Double Down. Including the Fried Bacon Mayo Sauce.
But despite the protests from skinny vegans and assertions from Christian Parent Watchdog groups who no doubt blame this on President Obama, the fact remains that Americans WANT to eat this kind of stuff. Just look at it, it looks delicious. The Double Down combines America's two favorite animals to eat (chicken and pigs), deep fries them, and slaps them together without the inconvenience that is bread. We all know that's why fancy restaurants put a basket of bread in front of you as soon as you sit down: so you'll get full on that instead of chicken and pork/ham/bacon. It's a trick, America! Wake up!
One can only hope that other fast food restaurants follow suit and create Double Downs of their own. Imagine a Big Mac after it's been given the Double Down treatment: Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on...two more all-beef patties. Or Pizza Hut's Pizza Mess, which is cheese, sauce and pepperoni wrapped in more cheese and sauce.
In closing, most will find it hard to sleep at night knowing that the Double Down is readily available, but don't give in. It's only goal is to slowly kill you and bleed you of all your financial resources (I forgot to mention - it's $5 for one of these). Do the sensible thing and put this monstrosity between 2 slices of bread. Before it's too late.
A fitting tribute to the (hopeful) end of the Morbidly Obese Era, the Double Down is a bacon and cheese sandwich with some kind of zesty sauce trapped between your choice of 2 pieces of either fried or grilled chicken, aka the world's first edible suicide attempt.
This is what KFC wants you to think you're getting.
This is what you're actually getting.
What's truly amazing about the Double Down is not its enormous caloric (540) or fat (32g) content, it's that it's NOT THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING YOU CAN BUY. Numerous fast food chains, despite their limp attempts to appear the opposite, still offer menu options that will clog your arteries mid-meal. Hell, every item on Carl's Jr. menu is unhealthier than the Double Down. Including the Fried Bacon Mayo Sauce.
But despite the protests from skinny vegans and assertions from Christian Parent Watchdog groups who no doubt blame this on President Obama, the fact remains that Americans WANT to eat this kind of stuff. Just look at it, it looks delicious. The Double Down combines America's two favorite animals to eat (chicken and pigs), deep fries them, and slaps them together without the inconvenience that is bread. We all know that's why fancy restaurants put a basket of bread in front of you as soon as you sit down: so you'll get full on that instead of chicken and pork/ham/bacon. It's a trick, America! Wake up!
One can only hope that other fast food restaurants follow suit and create Double Downs of their own. Imagine a Big Mac after it's been given the Double Down treatment: Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on...two more all-beef patties. Or Pizza Hut's Pizza Mess, which is cheese, sauce and pepperoni wrapped in more cheese and sauce.
In closing, most will find it hard to sleep at night knowing that the Double Down is readily available, but don't give in. It's only goal is to slowly kill you and bleed you of all your financial resources (I forgot to mention - it's $5 for one of these). Do the sensible thing and put this monstrosity between 2 slices of bread. Before it's too late.
3/30/10
Post 13. The Cost of Science
The Large Hadron Collider, a $10 billion science machine that many believe will end the world, made one big step towards that goal yesterday when scientists managed to get two proton beams collide at high energy.
And yet, our cars remain flightless.
Stare into the face of death...from your bicycle.
Last year, this machine shut down when a bird dropped some bread into it.
Not making this up.
You would think that $10 billion would be enough to prevent against this sort of animal interference, especially since the entire 17 mile long device is completely underground. I would hate to be the guy who forgot to shut the door behind him and let that bird in.
If $10 billion seems like an exorbitant amount of money to spend on understanding particles that no one is able to see with any instrument and may not even exist...it is. Imagine the breakthroughs in convenience that could be achieved with these kinds of resources. A car that drives itself. A television in that same car. The possibilities are endless.
Instead, the French use all of that money to build a potentially apocalyptic laser beam that can be thwarted by a hungry duck.
This is why no one likes them.
And yet, our cars remain flightless.
Stare into the face of death...from your bicycle.
Last year, this machine shut down when a bird dropped some bread into it.
Not making this up.
You would think that $10 billion would be enough to prevent against this sort of animal interference, especially since the entire 17 mile long device is completely underground. I would hate to be the guy who forgot to shut the door behind him and let that bird in.
If $10 billion seems like an exorbitant amount of money to spend on understanding particles that no one is able to see with any instrument and may not even exist...it is. Imagine the breakthroughs in convenience that could be achieved with these kinds of resources. A car that drives itself. A television in that same car. The possibilities are endless.
Instead, the French use all of that money to build a potentially apocalyptic laser beam that can be thwarted by a hungry duck.
This is why no one likes them.
3/19/10
Post 12. Race Relations
The other day I was eating at a Subway Eat Fresh restaurant near me. No, not the one in the picture from Post 10. Different one. I eat a lot of Subway. It's good, quick and cheap meal, despite their atrocious spelling.
During a very busy lunch period, I was standing in line waiting for my delicious Tuna (with Bacon) sub to toast when I surveyed the people around me. Pretty normal lunch crowd, but directly behind me in line was an old burnout. The kind of guy who got lost while smoking weed and listening to Foghat records and never quite found his way back. If you don't know who I'm talking about, go to a 7-11 between the hours of 11am and 1pm. They'll be the guys in mustaches and shorts buying hot dogs.
Normally, I wouldn't have thought twice about this burnout, who I shall name Dennis because that's probably his name, but for some reason I was in a feisty mood and the guy ordered a Seafood Sensation.
Those of you who frequent Subway know about the Seafood Sensation. It's the pile of imitation crab meat slathered in cheap mayo...the sub you're afraid to try, and if you actually had the cajones to do so, have regretted it every day of your life since. Simply put, it's an evil sandwich.
Don't be fooled, this will turn into a Seafood Sensation as soon as you take a bite.
Since you don't dare toast the Seafood Sensation (warming the "meat" has a similar effect to feeding a Mogwai after midnight: the sandwich will turn into a mischievous creature that will eventually spawn and terrorize a small Midwestern town on Christmas Eve), I let Dennis go ahead of me while I was waiting for my safe, delicious, and soon-to-be-warm Tuna (with Bacon).
To set the stage: this particular Subway Eat Fresh restaurant is in a particularly busy area of the particularly crowded city in which I live. In order to keep up with the demand for this divine lunch treat, the store manager has created an assembly line whose efficiency would send Henry Ford into a jealous rage. You get in, you get your food, you get out - all within 10 minutes and for $5. Like I said: good, quick and cheap.
This is where things took a turn for the worse: as Dennis' evil sandwich got passed from Bread Guy to Meat Guy to Vegetable Girl, Dennis was suddenly stricken deaf. Or perhaps he was that way when he entered the restaurant (which would certainly explain his shouting for the Seafood Sensation, something that I would try to keep as quiet as possible). So when Veggie Girl, whose sole responsibility is to say to the customer, "Veggies?" and then put whatever they ask for in modest amounts on top of their chosen sub, did just that, Dennis replied with, "What did you say? Beetles?" (or perhaps Beatles, since he is of that generation).
Being in my feisty mood, I said aloud, "Why would she say beetles (or Beatles)?"
No answer.
Veggie Girl spoke up. "Veggies?", she said, this time loud enough for Dennis, whose ears have no doubt suffered years of abuse from Bad Company and Molly Hatchet, to hear.
Now clear to him, Dennis rattled off his list of desired ingredients, in a vain attempt to counteract the ill effects from The Evil Sandwich. "But no beetles", he reminded Veggie Girl, as though she had a bin full of insects for those that want their protein and don't mind a small surcharge. Ironic, as beetles, live or dead, would actually be an improvement to The Evil Sandwich.
In the meantime, my delicious Tuna (with Bacon) had been delivered from the Subway Eat Fresh Toaster, warmed to perfection and ready to receive its cool vegetable brothers. I'm a big fan of a lot of veggies; not only do I feel like I'm eating right (I'm not), I also feel like I'm getting my money's worth (I am).
Upon completion, my lunch gets passed from Veggie Girl to Wrapping Guy, where I catch up with Dennis, who has passed through the gauntlet and has met the final challenge: Cashier Guy. Cashier Guy rings up his (Evil) Seafood Sensation, and gives Dennis the total: $4.24.
A bit of imagined history of Dennis: as a child, Dennis was average at math. He understand quantity, but had trouble in later years with the concept of value. This is why he would order a 6 inch sub at a time when a footlong is, famously, $5. For roughly 50% more money, you get 100% more sub. Which is conveniently cut in half, making it saveable for later. That, Dennis, is value.
The Value Lesson lost on him, Dennis did manage to remember the math concept he was able to master: quantity. You see, a 6 inch (Evil) Seafood Sensation is only $3.25. A full 99 cents from the $4.24 total which was read to him by Cashier Guy. Upon realizing this, Dennis (loudly, of course) challenged Cashier Guy's request for an additional 99 cents. "The Seafood is only $3.25!" Dennis roared, not concerned with the shame of ordering such a horrendous food.
Cashier Guy, being of a meek and humble nature, looked down at his money-collecting computer, recognized the error, and corrected it. "I'm sorry. I charged you for a Chicken Bacon Ranch," said Cashier Guy. "$3.25"
Dennis hands Cashier Guy the cash (undoubtedly damp with sweat) and completes the financial transaction. The verbal transaction, however, was far from over.
"Is this how you get rich? Skimming off the top?" Dennis asked.
True to his meek and humble nature, Cashier Guy smiled and went back to his counting. Not satisfied with his response, Dennis committed an unforgivable transgression:
"[Is this how you] save up so you can go back to Mexico?"
A little (real) background on Cashier Guy: he is of Hispanic ethnicity, although I have no idea where he's from. I do know that he's worked at this Subway for over a year, is polite, friendly, works hard and does a good job. And presumably does not skim 99 cents off of those stupid enough to buy a Seafood Sensation. I'm sure the last thing he wants to hear is an accusation of absconding with stolen sandwich money from a burned out old pothead.
Not being in the mood to stand by idly while Dennis berates this man, I retort, "Wow, that was inappropriate." Not the cleverest or most strongly worded phrase I've ever used, but it was enough to A. reprimand Dennis for his racist remark (and subtly imply a poor choice of lunch) and B. distract his attention from Cashier Guy.
"Yeah, well neither was charging me $4.24 for that sub."
And with that statement of misguided justification, Dennis stormed out of my life, and more importantly Cashier Guy's, forever. Hopefully.
All in all, not that exciting or even remarkable of a story, but it's moral is clear: don't be a racist douchebag, especially to the people working hard to provide you with a disgusting lunch. They don't deserve your abuse.
During a very busy lunch period, I was standing in line waiting for my delicious Tuna (with Bacon) sub to toast when I surveyed the people around me. Pretty normal lunch crowd, but directly behind me in line was an old burnout. The kind of guy who got lost while smoking weed and listening to Foghat records and never quite found his way back. If you don't know who I'm talking about, go to a 7-11 between the hours of 11am and 1pm. They'll be the guys in mustaches and shorts buying hot dogs.
Normally, I wouldn't have thought twice about this burnout, who I shall name Dennis because that's probably his name, but for some reason I was in a feisty mood and the guy ordered a Seafood Sensation.
Those of you who frequent Subway know about the Seafood Sensation. It's the pile of imitation crab meat slathered in cheap mayo...the sub you're afraid to try, and if you actually had the cajones to do so, have regretted it every day of your life since. Simply put, it's an evil sandwich.
Don't be fooled, this will turn into a Seafood Sensation as soon as you take a bite.Since you don't dare toast the Seafood Sensation (warming the "meat" has a similar effect to feeding a Mogwai after midnight: the sandwich will turn into a mischievous creature that will eventually spawn and terrorize a small Midwestern town on Christmas Eve), I let Dennis go ahead of me while I was waiting for my safe, delicious, and soon-to-be-warm Tuna (with Bacon).
To set the stage: this particular Subway Eat Fresh restaurant is in a particularly busy area of the particularly crowded city in which I live. In order to keep up with the demand for this divine lunch treat, the store manager has created an assembly line whose efficiency would send Henry Ford into a jealous rage. You get in, you get your food, you get out - all within 10 minutes and for $5. Like I said: good, quick and cheap.
This is where things took a turn for the worse: as Dennis' evil sandwich got passed from Bread Guy to Meat Guy to Vegetable Girl, Dennis was suddenly stricken deaf. Or perhaps he was that way when he entered the restaurant (which would certainly explain his shouting for the Seafood Sensation, something that I would try to keep as quiet as possible). So when Veggie Girl, whose sole responsibility is to say to the customer, "Veggies?" and then put whatever they ask for in modest amounts on top of their chosen sub, did just that, Dennis replied with, "What did you say? Beetles?" (or perhaps Beatles, since he is of that generation).
Being in my feisty mood, I said aloud, "Why would she say beetles (or Beatles)?"
No answer.
Veggie Girl spoke up. "Veggies?", she said, this time loud enough for Dennis, whose ears have no doubt suffered years of abuse from Bad Company and Molly Hatchet, to hear.
Now clear to him, Dennis rattled off his list of desired ingredients, in a vain attempt to counteract the ill effects from The Evil Sandwich. "But no beetles", he reminded Veggie Girl, as though she had a bin full of insects for those that want their protein and don't mind a small surcharge. Ironic, as beetles, live or dead, would actually be an improvement to The Evil Sandwich.
In the meantime, my delicious Tuna (with Bacon) had been delivered from the Subway Eat Fresh Toaster, warmed to perfection and ready to receive its cool vegetable brothers. I'm a big fan of a lot of veggies; not only do I feel like I'm eating right (I'm not), I also feel like I'm getting my money's worth (I am).
Upon completion, my lunch gets passed from Veggie Girl to Wrapping Guy, where I catch up with Dennis, who has passed through the gauntlet and has met the final challenge: Cashier Guy. Cashier Guy rings up his (Evil) Seafood Sensation, and gives Dennis the total: $4.24.
A bit of imagined history of Dennis: as a child, Dennis was average at math. He understand quantity, but had trouble in later years with the concept of value. This is why he would order a 6 inch sub at a time when a footlong is, famously, $5. For roughly 50% more money, you get 100% more sub. Which is conveniently cut in half, making it saveable for later. That, Dennis, is value.
The Value Lesson lost on him, Dennis did manage to remember the math concept he was able to master: quantity. You see, a 6 inch (Evil) Seafood Sensation is only $3.25. A full 99 cents from the $4.24 total which was read to him by Cashier Guy. Upon realizing this, Dennis (loudly, of course) challenged Cashier Guy's request for an additional 99 cents. "The Seafood is only $3.25!" Dennis roared, not concerned with the shame of ordering such a horrendous food.
Cashier Guy, being of a meek and humble nature, looked down at his money-collecting computer, recognized the error, and corrected it. "I'm sorry. I charged you for a Chicken Bacon Ranch," said Cashier Guy. "$3.25"
Dennis hands Cashier Guy the cash (undoubtedly damp with sweat) and completes the financial transaction. The verbal transaction, however, was far from over.
"Is this how you get rich? Skimming off the top?" Dennis asked.
True to his meek and humble nature, Cashier Guy smiled and went back to his counting. Not satisfied with his response, Dennis committed an unforgivable transgression:
"[Is this how you] save up so you can go back to Mexico?"
A little (real) background on Cashier Guy: he is of Hispanic ethnicity, although I have no idea where he's from. I do know that he's worked at this Subway for over a year, is polite, friendly, works hard and does a good job. And presumably does not skim 99 cents off of those stupid enough to buy a Seafood Sensation. I'm sure the last thing he wants to hear is an accusation of absconding with stolen sandwich money from a burned out old pothead.
Not being in the mood to stand by idly while Dennis berates this man, I retort, "Wow, that was inappropriate." Not the cleverest or most strongly worded phrase I've ever used, but it was enough to A. reprimand Dennis for his racist remark (and subtly imply a poor choice of lunch) and B. distract his attention from Cashier Guy.
"Yeah, well neither was charging me $4.24 for that sub."
And with that statement of misguided justification, Dennis stormed out of my life, and more importantly Cashier Guy's, forever. Hopefully.
All in all, not that exciting or even remarkable of a story, but it's moral is clear: don't be a racist douchebag, especially to the people working hard to provide you with a disgusting lunch. They don't deserve your abuse.
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