Post 17: Spoiling the Oscars

Today, as per tradition, the MPAA announced the Academy Award nominations at an ungodly hour so that there will be something to talk about on the Today show. In-coincidentally, this is also the day of the highest number of complaints on Facebook. Why this is a surprise to anyone, I don't know, but every year the Academy fails to recognize a person or movie that is more deserved than the ones they did recognize. This is also the day that most of America looks at this list and says, "I've only seen one of these movies."

To help these people out, I've created this handy guide to each film nominated for Best Picture, so when that guy in the office who acts like he's the living embodiment of culture comes by your desk and brags about how he saw The King's Speech three weeks ago and thinks Colin Firth gave a tour de force performance, you won't have to quickly go to IMDB to see that Colin Firth is the guy from Bridget Jones' Diary.

(Note: I haven't seen all of these, so some of this might be wrong. Oh well.)

BLACK SWAN
DIRECTOR: The guy that did The Wrestler and The Fountain, that weird movie with Wolverine.
MAIN CAST: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. They totally do it, too. No, you don't see much.
SUMMARY: Natalie Portman is a ballerina who goes crazy because she's not perfect.
ODDS OF WINNING: Even

THE FIGHTER
DIRECTOR: That crazy guy from YouTube
MAIN CAST: Marky Mark and Batman
SUMMARY: Marky Mark is a boxer and Batman is his brother, but he goes to jail for some reason and then Marky Mark has to fight to get him out of prison. I think, I didn't see this one.
ODDS OF WINNING: Eh, not bad.

INCEPTION
DIRECTOR: Christopher Nolan, who directed The Dark Knight, aka, THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME
MAIN CAST: Leo, Juno, the kid from "Third Rock From the Sun", a hot French chick
SUMMARY: Leo and his team of thieves go inside a dream within a dream within a dream to plant an idea in The Scarecrow's head.
ODDS OF WINNING: They didn't even nominate Christopher Nolan for directing. Shame on you, MPAA.

THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
DIRECTOR: No idea
MAIN CAST: Julianne Moore, Annette Bening, Mark Ruffalo, the Kids
SUMMARY: A lesbian couple's baby daddy comes into their life and gets all charming.
ODDS OF WINNING: Low, this kind of stuff never wins

THE KING'S SPEECH
DIRECTOR: Not sure, but he's probably British
MAIN CAST: Colin Firth (the guy from Bridget Jones' Diary who isn't Hugh Grant), Captain Barbossa
SUMMARY: The King of England stutters and Captain Barbossa teaches him to not stutter, presumably through wenching and plundering.
ODDS OF WINNING: High. This was the most nominated movie.

127 HOURS
DIRECTOR: Danny Boyle, who did Slumdog Millionaire and Trainspotting
ONLY CAST: James Franco, since James Franco's arm was cut out of the movie. Haha, get it? You will in a second.
SUMMARY: James Franco cuts his arm off.
ODDS OF WINNING: It's not Slumdog, plus James Franco cuts his arm off.

THE SOCIAL NETWORK
DIRECTOR: David Fincher, who made Fight Club and (before you get all excited) Benjamin Button
MAIN CAST: A bunch of kids
SUMMARY: A nerd invents Facebook, pisses everyone off, then becomes one of the richest men in the world. Kind of like Brewster's Millions.
ODDS OF WINNING: You like this.

TOY STORY 3
DIRECTOR: Cartoons have directors?
MAIN CAST: Woody, Buzz, Rex, Hamm, Mr. Potato Head, a purple bear
SUMMARY: Even toys get sent to nursing homes when they get old
ODDS OF WINNING: Zero. Cartoons get a special cartoon Oscar.

TRUE GRIT
DIRECTORS: The Coen Brothers. If you don't know who they are by now, go see Little Fockers and laugh your fool head off
MAIN CAST: The Dude, a 14 year old girl, MAHT DAYYMONN
SUMMARY: The 14 year old girl hires The Dude to find the man that killed her dad and they run into some f'ing nihilists along the way.
ODDS OF WINNING: Low. The Coens won a couple years ago, and the Academy only gives Clint Eastwood that kind of idol worship

WINTER'S BONE
DIRECTOR: Not sure what this is...
MAIN CAST: I've never even heard of this
SUMMARY: Hell if I know, but it's probably sad and cold
ODDS OF WINNING: Is this a real movie?