Post 19: Synergy

Yesterday Walt Disney Pictures confirmed that Tom Hanks and Tim Allen, voice stars of the Toy Story movies, will co-star in a live action movie based on the classic Jungle Cruise ride at Disneyland and Walt Disney World.

You might remember that Disney has created films based on their attractions before, making inroads in the art of cinema with The Haunted Mansion, The Country Bears and Johnny Depp of the Caribbean, Parts 1-???.

Each of these films has stayed fairly true to their inspirations, as The Country Bears features singing bears, The Haunted Mansion featured Eddie Murphy as the ghost of his former comedic self and Pirates of the Caribbean featured drunken pirates plundering and kidnapping (and presumably killing) American tourists.

Too soon? Yeah, I guess it was. Eddie Murphy's funny hasn't completely died yet.

We can only assume that Jungle Cruise is going to stay just as true to the ride and be about people on a boat, listening to their captain make bad joke after bad joke while passing by fake animals.

The greenlighting of this movie is yet another example of Disney's commitment to "synergy" a marketing concept meaning "make all of your product exactly the same because people are easily confused." You may have noticed this during recent trips to Disney parks when you rode on Finding Nemo, Toy Story, Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Toy Story 2, Dumbo, Peter Pan, Snow White, Alice in Wonderland, Winnie the Pooh, That Darn Cat or Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo.

Since it's inevitable that Disney will eventually give each of their classic attractions the same treatment, I've gone ahead and given them a head start with some story ideas for each.

SPACE MOUNTAIN
The easiest of them all. A rogue starship captain is hired by a family to take them safely across the galaxy to SIX FLAGS SPACE MOUNTAIN, the world's first theme park in space. Along the way, they battle aliens with...I don't know, lasers probably and dodge asteroids and comets and their daughter falls in love with the handsome captain.

IT'S A SMALL WORLD
Another walk. It's THE SOCIAL NETWORK, but with an international cast.

THE PEOPLE MOVER
A cop on the verge of retirement has to stop a terrorist, who has put a bomb aboard a mag-lev train, which will blow up if it goes above 8mph.

BIG THUNDER MOUNTAIN RAILROAD
Tony Scott directs Denzel Washington as an Old West Sheriff who has to stop a runaway mine train.

FRONTIERLAND SHOOTING GALLERY
Two brothers, the best trick shooters in the world, try to outdo each other in the World Shooting Championship.

THE ENCHANTED TIKI ROOM
A family inherits an old tiki-themed restaurant, but it's already inhabited. By talking birds. And they're not happy.