Today, as per tradition, the MPAA announced the Academy Award nominations at an ungodly hour so that there will be something to talk about on the Today show. In-coincidentally, this is also the day of the highest number of complaints on Facebook. Why this is a surprise to anyone, I don't know, but every year the Academy fails to recognize a person or movie that is more deserved than the ones they did recognize. This is also the day that most of America looks at this list and says, "I've only seen one of these movies."
To help these people out, I've created this handy guide to each film nominated for Best Picture, so when that guy in the office who acts like he's the living embodiment of culture comes by your desk and brags about how he saw The King's Speech three weeks ago and thinks Colin Firth gave a tour de force performance, you won't have to quickly go to IMDB to see that Colin Firth is the guy from Bridget Jones' Diary.
(Note: I haven't seen all of these, so some of this might be wrong. Oh well.)
BLACK SWAN
DIRECTOR: The guy that did The Wrestler and The Fountain, that weird movie with Wolverine.
MAIN CAST: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. They totally do it, too. No, you don't see much.
SUMMARY: Natalie Portman is a ballerina who goes crazy because she's not perfect.
ODDS OF WINNING: Even
THE FIGHTER
DIRECTOR: That crazy guy from YouTube
MAIN CAST: Marky Mark and Batman
SUMMARY: Marky Mark is a boxer and Batman is his brother, but he goes to jail for some reason and then Marky Mark has to fight to get him out of prison. I think, I didn't see this one.
ODDS OF WINNING: Eh, not bad.
INCEPTION
DIRECTOR: Christopher Nolan, who directed The Dark Knight, aka, THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME
MAIN CAST: Leo, Juno, the kid from "Third Rock From the Sun", a hot French chick
SUMMARY: Leo and his team of thieves go inside a dream within a dream within a dream to plant an idea in The Scarecrow's head.
ODDS OF WINNING: They didn't even nominate Christopher Nolan for directing. Shame on you, MPAA.
THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
DIRECTOR: No idea
MAIN CAST: Julianne Moore, Annette Bening, Mark Ruffalo, the Kids
SUMMARY: A lesbian couple's baby daddy comes into their life and gets all charming.
ODDS OF WINNING: Low, this kind of stuff never wins
THE KING'S SPEECH
DIRECTOR: Not sure, but he's probably British
MAIN CAST: Colin Firth (the guy from Bridget Jones' Diary who isn't Hugh Grant), Captain Barbossa
SUMMARY: The King of England stutters and Captain Barbossa teaches him to not stutter, presumably through wenching and plundering.
ODDS OF WINNING: High. This was the most nominated movie.
127 HOURS
DIRECTOR: Danny Boyle, who did Slumdog Millionaire and Trainspotting
ONLY CAST: James Franco, since James Franco's arm was cut out of the movie. Haha, get it? You will in a second.
SUMMARY: James Franco cuts his arm off.
ODDS OF WINNING: It's not Slumdog, plus James Franco cuts his arm off.
THE SOCIAL NETWORK
DIRECTOR: David Fincher, who made Fight Club and (before you get all excited) Benjamin Button
MAIN CAST: A bunch of kids
SUMMARY: A nerd invents Facebook, pisses everyone off, then becomes one of the richest men in the world. Kind of like Brewster's Millions.
ODDS OF WINNING: You like this.
TOY STORY 3
DIRECTOR: Cartoons have directors?
MAIN CAST: Woody, Buzz, Rex, Hamm, Mr. Potato Head, a purple bear
SUMMARY: Even toys get sent to nursing homes when they get old
ODDS OF WINNING: Zero. Cartoons get a special cartoon Oscar.
TRUE GRIT
DIRECTORS: The Coen Brothers. If you don't know who they are by now, go see Little Fockers and laugh your fool head off
MAIN CAST: The Dude, a 14 year old girl, MAHT DAYYMONN
SUMMARY: The 14 year old girl hires The Dude to find the man that killed her dad and they run into some f'ing nihilists along the way.
ODDS OF WINNING: Low. The Coens won a couple years ago, and the Academy only gives Clint Eastwood that kind of idol worship
WINTER'S BONE
DIRECTOR: Not sure what this is...
MAIN CAST: I've never even heard of this
SUMMARY: Hell if I know, but it's probably sad and cold
ODDS OF WINNING: Is this a real movie?
1/24/11
Post 16: Resolve
How many blogs have been written about resolutions? A billion? Probably more than there are blogs in the world. Especially New Year's resolutions. I often wonder if other cultures have such inane customs. China probably doesn't, since they celebrate a different New Year and they're busy building the world's fastest growing economy and using it to open American theme parks.
See?
This year I resolved to do two things and two things only: write every day and lose weight. Yes, these are near-cliche, but I thought my creativity would be better put to use in my writing.
Writing every day is a method that is currently attributed to comedian Jerry Seinfeld, who gave a very simple piece of advice to a young comedian: write every day. This man is worth hundreds of millions of dollars because of things like that.
Life Hacker posted this on their site a couple years ago and despite it's simplicity, it's pretty awesome. You can read about it HERE.
Basically, the idea is to just keep a calendar and mark off every day that you've written. Once you write for a few days in a row, you've started that chain and you then have one goal: DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN.
As of this entry, I'm on my 12th day in a row of writing. Not just stringing together a few choice words, but actual, thoughtful, sincere, delicious writing. Here's the proof:
In these 12 days, I've finished two scripts I've been working on, started on a third, and written two blog entries. No thanks to the wi-fi antenna on my computer, which picked a great time to crap out on me. Thanks a lot, pal.
Now it's working. The point is, thanks to this calendar, I'm holding myself responsible to write every day until it becomes a habit, like brushing my teeth or promising myself I'll never watch Outsourced again and doing it anyway. I've applied the same approach to losing weight, using a website and iPhone app called Lose It! The concept is simple: put in your information, your target weight, the rate at which you want to lose it, and the app gives you a caloric limit and the date that you should reach your goal, if you stay diligent. I'm proud to say that in 22 days of counting my calories, increasing my exercise and being smart about what I'm eating, I've lost a grand total of...2.2 lbs!!!
That's it?! I give up.
See?
This year I resolved to do two things and two things only: write every day and lose weight. Yes, these are near-cliche, but I thought my creativity would be better put to use in my writing.
Writing every day is a method that is currently attributed to comedian Jerry Seinfeld, who gave a very simple piece of advice to a young comedian: write every day. This man is worth hundreds of millions of dollars because of things like that.
Life Hacker posted this on their site a couple years ago and despite it's simplicity, it's pretty awesome. You can read about it HERE.
Basically, the idea is to just keep a calendar and mark off every day that you've written. Once you write for a few days in a row, you've started that chain and you then have one goal: DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN.
As of this entry, I'm on my 12th day in a row of writing. Not just stringing together a few choice words, but actual, thoughtful, sincere, delicious writing. Here's the proof:
In these 12 days, I've finished two scripts I've been working on, started on a third, and written two blog entries. No thanks to the wi-fi antenna on my computer, which picked a great time to crap out on me. Thanks a lot, pal.
Now it's working. The point is, thanks to this calendar, I'm holding myself responsible to write every day until it becomes a habit, like brushing my teeth or promising myself I'll never watch Outsourced again and doing it anyway. I've applied the same approach to losing weight, using a website and iPhone app called Lose It! The concept is simple: put in your information, your target weight, the rate at which you want to lose it, and the app gives you a caloric limit and the date that you should reach your goal, if you stay diligent. I'm proud to say that in 22 days of counting my calories, increasing my exercise and being smart about what I'm eating, I've lost a grand total of...2.2 lbs!!!
That's it?! I give up.
1/13/11
Post 15: Don't Be a Jerk
Before I say anything, a caveat: not all athletes are role models. There are definitely some who are, like the Orlando Magic's star center, Dwight Howard, whose positivity and tenacity on the court has made the Magic one of the most successful teams of the last five years, and whose kindness and affability off the court make him a true hero (if you need proof, read this.
Unfortunately, most star athletes abuse their power and fame, using it only for personal gain, whether it be for fame (Lebron), women (all of them) or money (also all of them). One of the worst offenders of the last kind is baseball legend Pete Rose, aka Charlie Hustle, whose 23 year career is one of the greatest of all time: most games played, most plate appearances, Rookie of the Year, MVP, and more hits than any other player in the history of the game. Unfortunately, greed got the better of Rose, and in 1989 he earned himself a lifetime ban from baseball for betting on games, most despicably betting on his own team while he was a player and manager.
As a child, I met Rose on two occasions, and both times, he was a complete and total tool.
How I didn't see it coming is beyond me.
The first occurred in 1991, when Rose was at a baseball card convention in Orlando (my hometown). I was so excited when my friends and their dad invited me to go with them to this convention, as I'd never seen a real live celebrity in person before. Being 12 and living in Central Florida, baseball was still something magical that you only saw on TV or read about in the newspaper (okay, we had spring training, but it was never the same). We didn't have a lot of money growing up, so the entrance fee alone hampered my spending that day, but there was no way I could afford a $25 signature on a ball or a $50 signature on a bat, as my friends opted for. But armed with my little 110 camera, was ready to meet a real life hero.
As my friend approached the table with his bat, he was lucky enough to get to shake the hand of the All-Time Hits Leader. Of course, fate being what it is, I hadn't advanced the film on my camera (who invented these things?) and missed the shot. I asked Pete if he would shake his hand again, so I could take another picture and I got a response I'll never forget:
"You snooze, you lose, kid."
Not a day has gone by in the last 20 days where that sage wisdom hasn't echoed throughout my brain, reminding me that Pete Rose couldn't even be bothered to take another photo for a 12-year-old with a crappy camera. What a jerk.
Fast forward to a few years later, maybe 1993 or 1994, when Rose opened up a Pete Rose's Ballpark Cafe sports bar in Boca Raton, FL. He did a nightly radio show from there and after the show would sign autographs - on merchandise purchased in the gift shop, of course. Seeking retribution, I bought a vintage-style Reds cap and once again came face to face with the man. Not knowing any better, I asked him if he remembered the incident - where he had refused to take a picture with a kid who had just paid $50 for his autograph on a bat. Without fail, I got another helping of that wisdom that has so obviously served him well in life:
"Well, you get what you pay for."
Twice in my life, I've met Pete and twice in my life, I've been subjected to his snide cliches. I wish I had the same happy memories that others have shared here, but unfortunately, I've got to side with Bud Selig and hope that his ban remains permanent.
The moral of the story: Don't be a jerk to a kid.
Unfortunately, most star athletes abuse their power and fame, using it only for personal gain, whether it be for fame (Lebron), women (all of them) or money (also all of them). One of the worst offenders of the last kind is baseball legend Pete Rose, aka Charlie Hustle, whose 23 year career is one of the greatest of all time: most games played, most plate appearances, Rookie of the Year, MVP, and more hits than any other player in the history of the game. Unfortunately, greed got the better of Rose, and in 1989 he earned himself a lifetime ban from baseball for betting on games, most despicably betting on his own team while he was a player and manager.
As a child, I met Rose on two occasions, and both times, he was a complete and total tool.
How I didn't see it coming is beyond me.
The first occurred in 1991, when Rose was at a baseball card convention in Orlando (my hometown). I was so excited when my friends and their dad invited me to go with them to this convention, as I'd never seen a real live celebrity in person before. Being 12 and living in Central Florida, baseball was still something magical that you only saw on TV or read about in the newspaper (okay, we had spring training, but it was never the same). We didn't have a lot of money growing up, so the entrance fee alone hampered my spending that day, but there was no way I could afford a $25 signature on a ball or a $50 signature on a bat, as my friends opted for. But armed with my little 110 camera, was ready to meet a real life hero.
As my friend approached the table with his bat, he was lucky enough to get to shake the hand of the All-Time Hits Leader. Of course, fate being what it is, I hadn't advanced the film on my camera (who invented these things?) and missed the shot. I asked Pete if he would shake his hand again, so I could take another picture and I got a response I'll never forget:
"You snooze, you lose, kid."
Not a day has gone by in the last 20 days where that sage wisdom hasn't echoed throughout my brain, reminding me that Pete Rose couldn't even be bothered to take another photo for a 12-year-old with a crappy camera. What a jerk.
Fast forward to a few years later, maybe 1993 or 1994, when Rose opened up a Pete Rose's Ballpark Cafe sports bar in Boca Raton, FL. He did a nightly radio show from there and after the show would sign autographs - on merchandise purchased in the gift shop, of course. Seeking retribution, I bought a vintage-style Reds cap and once again came face to face with the man. Not knowing any better, I asked him if he remembered the incident - where he had refused to take a picture with a kid who had just paid $50 for his autograph on a bat. Without fail, I got another helping of that wisdom that has so obviously served him well in life:
"Well, you get what you pay for."
Twice in my life, I've met Pete and twice in my life, I've been subjected to his snide cliches. I wish I had the same happy memories that others have shared here, but unfortunately, I've got to side with Bud Selig and hope that his ban remains permanent.
The moral of the story: Don't be a jerk to a kid.
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